


(don't) follow the white rabbit

by tysunkete (aozu)



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Death, Drift Bond, Drift Compatibility, Drift Side Effects, Jaeger Pilots, M/M, Mind Meld, Post-Drift (Pacific Rim)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-11 01:25:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12924345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aozu/pseuds/tysunkete
Summary: Pacific Rim AU.“The key,” Bookman states. “Is drift compatibility. Foolish boy, what makes you think you would be drift compatible with Kanda Yuu?”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted: 07/09/2013.

 

We always thought that alien life would come from space. Billions of funding poured into space exploration for the search of sentient life beyond Earth for the last few decades, humans always eager to find evidence of the existence of something extra-terrestrial. But as the voyager golden record floated somewhere in the universe, something out there discovered _us_. A portal between dimensions had formed in the Pacific Ocean— _they_ came from deep beneath the sea.

Ghastly huge with monstrous forms, like demons from the underworld. We called them _akumas._

The first _akuma_ made land in San Francisco. It took international wide army collaboration to take it down after seven days. The second attack hit Manila a year and seven months later, toxic black blood colouring the ocean with the stench of death. The third hit Cabo after a year and three months, and it was then we learned the hard truth: this was not going to stop.

Thus, the Jaeger program was born.

The _akumas_ counted on us humans to hide, to give up, to fail. They never considered our ability to stand, to endure, that we’d rise to the challenge. In order to fight monsters, we created monsters of our own. A new weapon, a battle suit consisting of nearly two thousand tonnes of technology. Two pilots, their minds, memories, connected over a neural network to drive a robot rivaling the _akumas_.

Man and machine became one.

We faced those demons at our door.

We cancelled the fucking apocalypse.

This is our story.

* * *

_**May 2025** _

“Boy! Don’t get those wet!”

“I know!” The youth in question throws a glare at his mentor across the compound, wet bangs sticking to his face.

He shakes his head and blinks rapidly when a raindrop manages to catch into his good eye—the other covered with an eyepatch—muttering curses under his breath.

“How the hell am I supposed to do that if I’m _already_ wet?” he grumbles, trying to wipe his hands dry on the damp shirt underneath his soaked jacket.

After a few frustrated tries he gives up, grabbing as much of the stack of papers in the backseat of the car he was peering into. He grimaces as he immediately notices the black ink scrawled across the sheet starting to bleed to his palms, and he shoves the hurriedly under his jacket, hoping that a run across the admittedly large compound would at least leave his (and his mentor’s) toil of labour fairly legible enough to decipher.

The smartest thing to do would actually to get an umbrella, or even to leave the research papers and come get it when it wasn’t storming like the next flood. But, as it turns out, having an alien apocalypse on hand meant that time was precious—precious enough that every day was a ticking time bomb to the next _akuma_ invasion and everything could be potentially wiped out. Including all the _akuma_ research they had gathered over the past few years sitting in that car, out in the rain.

As to why he was even _outside_ in the rain, well.

Now, Lavi has been in this business since he had been adopted by Bookman at age twelve, a stern leader of the Science Division of The Black Order. The Black Order is an organization created by the United Nations, an internal alliance of the twenty one countries across the pacific rim, bound together by the shared goal of containing, combating and eliminating the _akuma_ threat.

With a gifted mind and eidetic memory it was no surprise that he enrolled in the Jaeger Academy and graduated with honours in their science department—after all, he was the one who had discovered the algorithm predicting the _akuma_ attacks.

Two months ago, the word was that someone finally had a viable plan to end the invasion. Viable merely meant _worth a shot_ but it was enough that The Black Order called all their stations around the pacific rim to regroup at the Asian branch, in Hong Kong. Just in time too, because Lavi’s predictions aren’t looking too good for the surviving world— _akumas_ will be appearing in twos, and then threes, and then more, and the time delay between the attacks are getting shorter.

Much shorter. Too short.

They had to end this, or it’d end them.

Hence for a final chance, Lavi finds himself outside the Asian branch trying to move his research into the shatterdome in the pounding rain, mentor already disappeared inside to handle formalities (that he was glad he could escape from), and everyone else around bustling trying to handle the move in the wet weather as ungracefully as he’s managing it.

But there is one exception.

As he avoids bumping into people and attempting to keep his papers dry in an awkward hug like grip, he spots a girl with the longest hair he’d ever seen up in front walking calmly to the entrance with a large black umbrella over her head.

“Hey! Hey!” Lavi shouts, quickening his steps. “Hey, you!”

The figure only pauses on the third shout, and that is enough for Lavi to squeeze himself under the umbrella, grinning in apology. “Sorry beautiful, but help a poor guy out and—“

“What the _fuck_ did you call me?”

Lavi startles, head lifting up in shock to meet the owner of the obviously _male_ voice. It takes a few moments to find himself staring unattractively with his lips parted in shock with the other just mere centimetres from his face, glaring at him so hard he feels the burn in his toes.

“Um—I um,” he retreats unconsciously, unable to move his gaze away from the other’s face. “Beautiful?” he blurts, stunned.

Twisted into a scowl, the other male has the most interesting mix of oriental features that can easily pass him as a gorgeous female except for that sharp jaw line, and his eyes are so dark Lavi couldn’t differentiate the difference between his pupil and irises. Those eyes narrows further upon his words.

“Before that,” he growls.

Lavi blinks. “Hey? Hey, you?” he recites, shifting through the memories in his brain. “I didn’t mean to be rude, I just really cannot afford to get—“ and he looks down, entire hand stained with black ink. “—oh fuck.”

The other male eyes him for a moment longer before scowling, and then strides away leaving him to wince at the sudden torrent of cold rain down his head.

“—Wha?” Lavi gapes for a second before running to the entrance, because even if he had just met the most beautiful person in his life, if his papers turned out to be a big blob of darkness, he might just kill someone if he had to rewrite all those fucking pages again.

* * *

“Rewrite,” Bookman tells him when the elder enters the A-science lab they had been given to work in.

“Why didn’t we just type it on the computer like everyone else?” Lavi groans, already regretting his life choices. “Why do we even need it on paper anyway? Only you and I actually understand these numbers and symbols—“

“Less talk and more writing,” Bookman intones, ignoring his words. “Change up. Debrief is in half an hour at the local command centre,” then shoots him a look. “Do not go off exploring off your own, do not go near any of the Jaegers. Do _not_ be late.”

“Why would I ever,” Lavi returns cheekily, taking the opportunity to zip out of the lab.

He has been itching to get out of his drenched attire—his boxers are _sticking_. Whistling, he makes his way to the dorms, glad to have his own room this time. In the European branch, he had to share the room with his guardian, and no matter how large it was, it was never large enough for personal privacy. Especially for a young healthy male in his twenties. He counts the number of doors (they look exactly the same, except for the non-descript metal numbers on them), refreshing the blueprints of the place into memory.

It is definitely no first class hotel, but it has a bed, a desk and some space for personal sprucing if he wants _and_ an en suite bathroom, which is quite decent for apocalyptic standards. No doubt it is a bit small, but he considers it a step up from the dorms in the academy—those were a nightmare.

Stripping out of his wet attire, he towels himself dry and changes into a fresh set of clothes—a nice hot bath at night would be awesome—with just enough time to realise he doesn’t know where the local command centre is.

Just as he swings open the door to leave, he meets that same beautiful person from two hours ago staring back at him, a hand on his door on the opposite side. The other has shed his black coat which makes it obvious to see the extremely toned body underneath the black shirt and pants.

“Whoa—hey,” Lavi blinks, for a lack of nothing better to say.

It is clear that the other guy remembers him, because he scowls deeper and mutters something under his breath in a different language. Lavi winces at the loud slam of the door as the other stalks away, ignoring him.

“Hey—hey!” he calls, slightly indignant as he tries to catch up with those fast steps. “I said I was sorry, you don’t have to be a dick about it.”

The man stops abruptly on his heel and lets out the most condescending sigh ever. The sour look on his face strangely does nothing to downplay how gorgeous he is.

“What do you want?” he bites out, annoyed.

“Nothing! I just…” Lavi backpedals a little from the hostility. “Actually…” he blinks. “By any chance do you know where the local command centre is? I’m supposed to get there in like, five minutes, but I haven’t had the chance to see the whole blueprint of the shatterdome, and—“ he trails off when the long haired man saunters away again.

Then he hears a click of a tongue and the other is glaring at him a few paces away. “Are you going to stand there like an idiot or are you going to follow me?”

Lavi gapes for a second before scrambling after him. “So…you’re heading there too?” he asks as they walk side by side.

No response is given and he watches the other from the corner of his eye as discreetly as he can. “Okay…” he mutters awkwardly to himself as the silence extends. “Uh, what are you doing here?”

Other than the irritated twitch in his eyebrow, Lavi doesn’t see much of a change from his facial expression.

“Tech support? Engineer?” Lavi squints, but no, he can’t imagine the guy next to him sitting at a computer, because he had to get that body from _somewhere_. “Right Mr Mysterious…what’s your name?”

No answer.

“I’m Lavi, from the science div,” the redhead continues on, just to fill the tense silence with less silence. “If you got an _akuma_ coming, I’m your guy. I mean, I have been predicting the their appearances pretty accurately so far, so—“

“Do you always talk this much?” the other guy interrupts.

“Are you always this antisocial?” Lavi retorts, earning a darker glare in return.

The question is again ignored. “We’re here,” the long haired man says, pushing a transparent steel framed door open.

The local command centre is jam packed with technology and computers and switches, as well as the people operating them. Lavi hasn’t seen one as big as this one, and especially not with the number of people in it, but that’s probably because they were called to assemble. He spots his guardian standing somewhere in some pseudo circle, with nine other people that look kind of familiar.

A young Chinese girl beams when she sees them enter, and she rushes forwards, flinging her arms around the other man. “I-I can’t believe it! You’re back, oh thank god,” she murmurs, a couple of tears pricking at her eyes. “I missed you so much.”

The man stiffens but he lets her embrace him, resting a hand on her head.

The girl squeezes him tight. “How have you been? I’ve been so _worried_ , and you never visit or even call—“

“What she said.” This time a boy comes forward, hair bleached so white like snow with a pentacle scar over one of his eyes. “You’re an ass,” he says, smiling, and he opens his arms like he wants to hug the duo. “Come here, asshole.”

“Don’t you dare touch me,” the man hisses, trying to gently pry the girl off. “I didn’t come back for a reunion with you idiots.”

“And don’t _you_ dare touch Lenalee!” Again, another older man with glasses screeches, jabbing a finger in their direction.

“ _She_ is touching me,” the other argues, scowling.

“Brother,” the Chinese girl sends the elder a look, effectively silencing him. “It’s been two years—“

“You’re _Lenalee Lee_?” is what Lavi blurts out, causing everyone in the room to stare at him. “The pilot of _Dark Clown_? Wow, it’s just,” he breathes, floored. “You’re so pretty in person.”

He was so sure that wasn’t what he wanted to say—why didn’t he compliment on her Jaeger piloting abilities because she is a fucking _boss_ at it—and he’s so sure he’s going to die as the man with the spectacles shoots him a look that freezes him cold.

“Care to repeat that, Bookman Junior?”

Lavi gulps, because he recognises the coat that the man, Komui Lee, is wearing—the Marshall of The Black Order, and also the over protective brother of Lenalee Lee. Rumours went a long way with this one.

“I’m not interested!” he exclaims hurriedly, holding his hands up. “I was just stating a fact, I swear!”

“Glad to know, because she’s taken,” the guy with the bleached hair quirks a smile at him, and Lavi places a name to the face—Allen Walker, the other pilot of _Dark Clown_.

In fact, Lavi realises he’s standing in a circle with all the Jaeger pilots they have left. Froi Tiedoll and Winters Sokaro, pilots of Mark-2 _Eden’s Madness_ ; Noise Marie and Chaoji Han, pilots of Mark-3 _Noel_ _Baptism_ ; Arystar Krory III and Miranda Lotto from the European branch that he was assigned at before so he knew them for quite a while now, pilots of Mark-4 _Blood_ _Record_ ; and finally, Lenalee Lee and Allen Walker, pilots of Mark-5 _Dark_ _Clown_.

That leaves the long haired guy as the last one he couldn’t identify.

“Will someone start the damn meeting?” the person in question snarls impatiently, crease on his forehead getting deeper.

“Of course,” Komui coughs and laces his fingers together, adopting a more serious persona. “Welcome, I hope all of you are settling in fine. Any problems, just find Reever or Lenalee—they’ll help you. Now, I know it’s late so I’ll keep this as short as I can. You all know that we’re attempting a final plan to end the invasion, that’s why we’ve all been called to the Asian branch but we haven’t been clear on what the plan is,” he continues, looking at them all in turn. “We’re going to try and seal the portal in the pacific rim.”

“We’ve tried that before,” Lavi interjects before he can stop his mouth from opening. “In the first month when the _akumas_ came, we tried to nuke the portal, remember? It didn’t go through.”

“Lavi is right, of course,” Komui nods. “But recently, _someone_ came forward with information that changes this.”

A murmur sweeps through the room.

“Basically, we believe the portal works like its fingerprint coded,” Komui explains. “It recognises _akuma_ genetic material only and allows them to pass through. So if we want to pass an explosive in it, it’s got to be planted inside an _akuma_ and then sent back down the portal. The resulting explosion, if it occurs in the portal, should destabilize it to cause its collapse and ultimate closure. Even better if we can get it to the other end to wipe out the aliens that are masterminding these attacks, but let’s focus on the primary objective first.”

“Masterminding?” Lavi frowns. “What do you mean?”

It’s strange that the rest of them just listen and nod like they’re hearing something that confirms that they’ve already suspected, but this is the first time that Lavi is hearing this.

“The _akumas_ are the soldiers of the alien race,” Komui elaborates. “Why else do you think the attacks are increasing in number and decreasing in time? It’s a battle plan to wipe us out. The strategists—if I can call them that—are on the other side.”

“How do you—how do you know all of this?” Lavi frowns, because this sounds like something _he_ should know.

“It’s something that we’ve just recently learned ourselves,” Komui answers, calm.

Lavi pauses. “Where did you say you got this information again?” he asks suspiciously.

“Classified.”

The curt answer doesn’t come from Komui, surprisingly, but from the long haired man.

“Classified?” Lavi echoes, dumbfounded. “And you— _you_ know?” he turns to the other, disbelief apparent. “Why do you know all of this? Who are you, anyway?”

The rumble of laughter comes from Winters Sakolo, the huge chiselled pilot with symmetrical dark scars on his face. “You don’t realise it yet, do you, kid?” Sakolo smirks. “He is the _source_.”

“How—“

“None of your business,” the long haired man grinds out, glaring at Sakolo. “Shut the fuck up, old man.”

“Yuu, don’t be rude,” Tiedoll frowns disapprovingly, and he places a hand on Sakolo’s shoulder to restrain the retort that his co-pilot was about to unleash.

“Don’t call me that,” the younger snaps immediately.

“Kanda, I know it’s been hard, but calm down,” Allen says, placating. “Tiedoll-san hasn’t seen you in a while. We all haven’t. So just—“

“Kanda,” Lavi murmurs under his breath the moment he hears it. “Kanda Yuu,” he mutters. “Kanda Yuu,” he repeats again, and then his eye snaps open in shock. “Kanda Yuu—you, fuck, of course—you’re _Kanda Yuu_.”

Kanda Yuu.

Along with his ex co-pilot Alma Karma, they were recruited to be pilots of the Jaeger program at just nine years old, the youngest ever recorded. They dominated the Jaeger scene for _years_ —straight kills with no backup, considered the elite of the elite of the Rangers, until one day two years ago when Alma Karma was torn out of the Jaeger and killed by the first category four _akuma_ the world had ever encountered. Kanda Yuu drove his Jaeger to take down the _akuma_ to its death, and after, he dropped out of the Jaeger program and disappeared.

Until now.

“Problem?” Kanda glares at him tersely, daring him to open his mouth.

Of course Lavi had a death wish. “But how can you pilot a Jaeger if—“ _if your co-pilot is dead._ He ends up clamping his mouth shut, wincing at how horribly insensitive the question was, even if it was unsaid.

“Which brings us to the next issue,” Komui interrupts smoothly, clapping his hands to gain attention again. “Lenalee’s lined up all potential candidates and we’ll be testing their compatibility with yours in the combat room. Since you haven’t been piloting for a while,” he continues. “We can start next week once you caught up with your usual training schedule—“

“I never stopped,” Kanda cuts him off curtly. “Start tomorrow. Just find someone who won’t waste my time. Is that all or do you have more to say?”

“That’s the end of the briefing,” Komui nods, and Kanda stalks out of the room without a word more.

“I never thought the stick up his ass could’ve been shoved higher,” Chaoji sighs, looking at door.

“It’s not his fault,” Marie says grimly, looking in the same direction. “You know he hasn’t been the same since…”

The collection of silence speaks more than Lavi needs to know. _Since he lost his co-pilot._

“I don’t think any of us can understand that,” Lenalee murmurs quietly, and Allen reaches for her hand to squeeze it in comfort.

“Walker!” Komui hisses, and Allen flinches, dropping the hand.

“I-I um, I’m going to the cafeteria,” Allen announces quickly. “I’m starving; does anyone want to come with?”

The distraction is enough for the rest of the occupants in the room to nod their heads and follow Allen out with casual conversation—until Lavi realises that only Lenalee is standing next to him with a smile.

“It’s Lavi, right?” Lenalee grins at him. “It’s very nice to meet you in person,” she grabs his hand and shakes it firmly. “Good to know the guy that’s been predicting the _akuma_ appearances. The time you buy us has saved us more times than I can count, so, thank you.”

The redhead is slightly overwhelmed by the amount of sincerity he feels in that thanks. “You’re err, welcome, I guess. It’s my job. It’s nowhere as awesome as being a pilot like you are.”

Lenalee chuckles. “You have done calculations that no one can,” she says instead. “Come, let me show you something before we head to the cafeteria. It’ll take a while before Jerry is through with Allen’s order anyway.”

She brings him through corridors and down and up staircases, until they reach a railing that oversees the bay of the Jaegers. Lavi loses the breath he’s holding once he peers over the edge—five Jaegers are gleaming back at him, dark and shiny and full of untold power. 

Lenalee points to the furthest one on the right. It’s a huge monstrosity, furnished like hard pewter and the oldest looking robot. The body is heavily armoured and it looks like its weight alone could kill an _akuma_.

“ _Eden’s Madness_ ,” she introduces. “Mr. Tiedoll and Mr. Sokaro are her pilots. It’s the oldest Jaeger that’s active.”

The next one is blood red in colour with black stripes, with a slim figure and small head. That he recognises as Krory and Miranda’s _Blood Record_. On its left is a shorter but much broader robot, Marie and Chaoji’s _Noel Baptism_.

“And this,” Lenalee states proudly and she gazes at the Jaeger right in front of them. “Is my _Dark Clown._ The fastest and lightest Jaeger ever built. It’s the first and currently the only Mark-5 Jaeger.”

Lavi gazes at all of them in awe, because having so many Jaegers in one place is an experience he’s never going to forget.

“Last one,” Lenalee continues, nudging his arm to look at the one on the right, “is _Innocence Illusion_.

_Innocence Illusion_ is the arguably the most famous Jaeger—two years ago, at least, with her pilots Kanda Yuu and Alma Karma. The varying shades of blue has never shone so deeply from all the times he’s seen it on broadcast while its fighting, and the huge nuclear reactor located in the chest of its chest hums quietly; Lavi can feel its power under his skin to his toes.

“Wow,” he breathes. “She’s beautiful.”

“Yeah,” Lenalee murmurs, sounding miles away. “The restoration was such a pain, but I wanted her to be perfect for Kanda,” she sighs. “He deserves her in her best condition. I hope it makes him happy to see her, at least,” she says quietly, looking over to the other end of the bay, where a lone figure sits at the railings.

From this distance, Lavi can only make out that it’s Kanda, but he can’t see what expression the other has on as he gazes at his own Jaeger.

Somehow, Lavi thinks it might be sadness.


	2. Chapter 2

Lavi is in the science division and graduated from the department of science from the academy, but he’s also trained as a potential ranger. The thing is, he would love to be a pilot—he _wants_ to, but Bookman is strongly against it.

He was allowed to be trained after months of begging but he was not allowed to graduate as a ranger, and more importantly, never to become an actual pilot. Bookman never answered him clearly on why he was bound to those terms, but during drift sync testing runs, he was never compatible with anyone enough to enlist as a pilot, so that was the end of his pilot dream anyway.

It is actually quite common that student rangers don’t end up as pilots in the end. Within the academy they are pushed to their physical and mental limits to determine they will be able to make the cut, and those who do make the first cut are trained with the intention of breaking their spirit to mimic the harsh battle situations against the _akumas_. Lastly, only those who were lucky enough to find someone who was drift compatible enough to pass the ninety percent synchro rate could be pilots.

Drifting is a process that two Jaeger pilots have to undergo prior to synchronizing with the Jaeger itself, a type of Mind Meld that requires the pilots to share memories, instinct and emotions. Drifting allows them to act as one and control the very movement of the Jaeger itself, one pilot controlling the "right hemisphere", the other the "left hemisphere".

Hence most people enter the academy in pairs—siblings, relatives, lovers, partners—people who they know they are already compatible with.

Lavi doesn’t have that privilege, considering his family is dead.

And he doesn’t really remember who they are either.

* * *

“No,” Bookman says to him as he clears up the papers from the desk, ready to retire for the night.

“I didn’t say anything,” Lavi grumbles, placing the last stack in place.

“You were thinking it.”

“So you can read minds now, is that it?” the redhead pouts.

Bookman eyes him flatly. “You are _not_ allowed to try out for Kanda Yuu’s co-pilot position.”

Lavi sighs. “Old man—“

“No means no, boy,”

“But—“

“ _No_.”

Lavi seethes with frustration. “God, just listen. _Listen_ , okay?” he holds out a finger until Bookman rolls his eyes and nods. “I know you think I can’t handle it, but I can. You’ve seen my simulation runs. I know I’m not…exceptional but I like to think I’m pretty fucking decent. Decent enough to have a chance.”

Bookman shakes his head wearily. “You have no clue what the real thing is like,” he looks at Lavi with a sad look in his eyes. “It’s not worth it, Lavi. It won’t change anything.”

Lavi swallows and looks to the side. “It’s—it’s not about that.”

“Really?” Bookman presses. “It’s not for your dead parents? Your dead sister?” he shoots a hard gaze. “Your life?”

It takes a while before Lavi finds his words again. “I won’t get it back, I know,” he says, voice trembling. “I know.”

“Listen to me, don’t _ever_ get into a Jaeger,” Bookman sighs. “It’s for your own good. But that aside, the key,” he states, levelling Lavi with a look. “Is drift compatibility. It doesn’t matter how good you think you are. Kanda Yuu is not someone you find a partner, just like that. He was never drift compatible with any of the other pilots. There was only _one_ person he could ever connect to, and that person is dead.”

Technically, anyone can drift. But it’s finding someone whom you could drift with that’s the problem. All pilots on a certain level can drift with each other because they knew how to do it consciously once they already done so. Compatibility depended on how well they could connect to the other person’s mind. A matter of fit.

To find someone that was your custom-made? It’s rare.

But not being able to drift _at all_ with anyone else? Even rarer.

“Foolish boy, what makes you think you would be drift compatible with Kanda Yuu?”

* * *

Lavi may not be a pilot but he keeps up a little with the training regime because it keeps him fit, and it is an outlet to clear his mind after sitting in the room with Bookman and numbers the whole day. His favourite part takes place in the combat room, because there he learns that combat isn’t just a physical workout—it is a _conversation_ with you and your partner.

It is how through the bodies moving that one can tell how well two people can read each other and how much they _trust_ each other—how well they complement each other by trading blows and deflecting them with the knowledge that they are on equal terms, holding the conversation and having a _discussion_.

It‘s all about compatibility.

The redhead sits at the side lines in the combat room watching the on-going process in finding Kanda Yuu’s co-pilot. Most of the other pilots are there to watch—there is really nothing else for them to do anyway, together with Komui and Bookman, and also the head of the technical division, Reever Wenham. Lavi has already predicted that the next _akuma_ attack is coming in a month and a half’s time, hence technically he had already done his work, except for writing out all those smudged papers. Those he can do on another day, he reasons, because watching Kanda Yuu on the mat is an incredible experience not to be missed.

His records state 55 drops and 55 kills while he was in training. It is mindblowingly scary, to be honest.

It seems like all the candidates know this, because all of them have a look of fear on their faces the moment that their feet step on the mat. Lavi almost pities the next candidate because the bald headed youth is obviously not compatible in the slightest with Kanda Yuu.

Sure enough, it takes less than a second to have the candidate groaning on the floor in pain.

“You didn’t have to break his back,” Lenalee sighs, crossing out another name on the list.

“Find someone that won’t give me the chance to,” Kanda scowls, crossing his arms.

The long haired pilot glances over to the next one on the mat and growls, frustrated. “Next.”

“Kanda!” Lenalee groans exasperatedly. “You haven’t even fought him yet!”

“He isn’t compatible,” Kanda grinds out. “ _Next_.”

“But you haven’t even tried—“

“If you’re so intent on wasting my time,” Kanda glares. “You,” he faces the candidate with dark look. “Start.”

In less than a second, the opponent is wincing on the floor, fingers twitching weakly.

Allen winces in sympathy. “This is going to be a very, _very_ long process,” he shakes his head.

* * *

Three days later, the list of candidates is trickling to the last few names and Lavi sees the look of resignation on Allen’s face.

“There isn’t going to be anyone, I knew it,” the white haired male groans, cracking one eye open to see Kanda hover over the girl he was sparring with a wooden stick pressed firmly to her jugular. “No one can beat him on the mat, except maybe Mr Sokalo, but that was a disaster we don’t want to repeat.”

“Then what about Alma Karma?” Lavi asks curiously as they both flinch from the next merciless hit that Kanda’s next candidate takes.

“Don’t say his name so loudly,” Allen warns, eyes shifting carefully to Kanda. “Well, you know, compatibility…it’s a _conversation_ , remember? Even if someone can beat Kanda in combat, it doesn’t mean it’ll work out. Likewise, even if someone _can’t_ beat Kanda on the mat, it doesn’t strictly mean they aren’t compatible.”

“But—“

“Alma is different because Kanda let him speak,” Allen explains, voice low. “That isn’t to say Alma couldn’t hold his own, but if there was ever a fight to the death, Kanda would win it for sure,” he smiles wryly. “But when they sparred, they moved _together._ ”

Lavi watches the next candidate hit the ground. “He isn’t letting anyone speak, is he?” he says finally in defeat.

Allen nods. “On the up side,” he says, resting his head on his knuckles. “That took fifteen seconds, instead of the usual ten. Maybe if we reach the end of the list we’ll reach to thirty. Maybe.”

“He’s playing with them,” the redhead watches blandly, suddenly grateful that his name isn’t on the list.

“Or maybe he’s getting tired.”

“You’ve piloted a Jaeger for hours on end, you think you’d be tired from just three hours on the mat?” Lavi rolls his eye, and Allen shrugs. “He’s bored. See, he could’ve totally ended that two moves ago.”

“Three days is enough for anyone to—“

Allen’s rebuttal is silenced when a wooden stick suddenly clatters in front of them. All eyes are on Kanda who looks directly at Lavi.

“You. On the mat.”

“W-what?” Lavi splutters.

“On the mat. _Now_ ,” Kanda cocks his head, glaring.

“Dude, I’m not a candidate,” the redhead protests, eye darting nervously to Bookman for help.

He does want to be a pilot, but _Kanda Yuu_ ’s co-pilot? Bookman is right. Maybe an _akuma_ is less scary.

“The boy isn’t fit to be a pilot,” Bookman puts in. “You will have to choose another.”

Kanda faces Bookman flatly. “He has training, I know it. Get him on the mat,” he stares at Komui who rubs the bridge of his nose.

“Kanda—“

“If you want to stop wasting your own time, get him to spar with me,” Kanda states, impatient. “He can read my moves which is a step better than any of the other fucking useless candidates I’ve sparred with for the past three days. Get him,” he grits out. “On the fucking mat.”

Lavi picks up the wooden stick nervously, stepping onto the sparring arena. He isn’t dressed for it—shirt and jeans, but it’ll have to do. “Dude, you need to chill,” he says, shaking his head. “I know you’re frustrated but you shouldn’t take it out on the others. If you want me so much, sure, but I—whoa, fuck!”

The redhead just manages to block the unexpected swipe that brings him to his knees. “What the hell! I wasn’t ready!”

Kanda is looking down at him with an unreadable look in his eyes, but there is a twitch at his lips. “If you talked less, you would’ve seen that it has already begun.”

Lavi grits his teeth and pushes Kanda back, adjusting his grip on the stick properly. He may not be at Kanda’s level, but he isn’t going down without a fight for sure. He understands why all his opponents have that fear in their eyes when they’re on the mat against Kanda Yuu. It’s because the man holds himself steady with the confidence that he knows he can take anything from you, and the way that his eyes train upon you leaves you exposed and vulnerable to all the moves that you had planned to take.

But Lavi is, if anything, unpredictable.

He moves first in the next strike, and Kanda parries it easily with one hand. Kanda’s counter attack is fast and ruthless—Lavi doesn’t get a chance to catch his breath as he meets Kanda’s hits blow for blow pushed backwards with the force. He tries to find an opening but Kanda’s defence is tight—only when Lavi is forced to his knees again that he attempts a kick swipe. The move catches Kanda off guard, but in one smooth motion, the pilot rolls over and trips Lavi himself, swiping him by the neck with the hook of his leg and brings him down, _hard_.

“One-zero,” Kanda says before letting go, and Lavi moans, hand on his back.

“Did you really have to do that?” Lavi sulks, picking up his stick slowly.

“I said less talk,” Kanda warns, but the twitch on his lips is more noticeable now, like a smirk.

That’s all the warning Lavi gets before he’s forced to counter. Again, they move across the mat in rapid paces. If not for Lavi’s ability to sense Kanda’s movements—he’s an incredibly observant person, it helps to have an eidetic memory—he would surely be on his back again, and he thanks god for that as he tries to attack instead of being on the defence all the time.

He tries to vary the speed of their swordplay but he realises Kanda matches it easily and brings it up to a level that he struggles with. Not wanting to be beaten, he keeps it up, and then Kanda exploits his weakness—his blind spot.

Not having one eye is a major disadvantage, but Lavi’s been living with it for all his life, so he knows when something’s coming. He ducks just in time to see the look of surprise of Kanda’s face, and uses the opening to make an attack of his own.

“Two-zero,” Kanda says again, and Lavi looks down at Kanda’s stick pressed against his ribs.

Kanda had tossed his weapon to his other hand and attacked before Lavi could make his move.

“Too slow,” Kanda says, a new glint to his eyes as he steps back, readying himself.

Lavi swallows, feeling heat creep up his cheeks. He has never sparred with anyone who can _move_ like that. He grips his weapon tighter, breathing in deeply. Once, twice, and then he lunges towards Kanda, hard enough that he forces both sticks out of their hands. Not to be daunted, Kanda catches the punch that Lavi aims at him, using the redhead’s body motion to push him to the ground.

Lavi is better at hand to hand combat than his sword fighting skills, but it seems like Kanda is not to be underestimated either. The redhead blocks the on-coming hits the best that he can, grappling to take Kanda down, except the other is annoyingly steadfast in his stance. But Lavi is slightly taller and heavier, and he tries to use this to pin Kanda down, except Kanda grabs his neck by the hook of his leg again and flips him over to the ground.

“Three-zero,” Kanda grunts.

Lavi blinks dazedly at the ceiling, panting heavily. He sees Kanda peer over him for a second, and the man looks slightly annoyed.

“It’s him,” the pilot grumbles, stepping off the mat.

* * *

“Ow. Ow. Fuck—OW!” Lavi moans, flinching as Lenalee rubs at the bruise forming on the back of his head.

“Don’t be a baby,” Lenalee chides, patting the top of his head. “He didn’t hit you that hard.”

“But the floor did,” Lavi mutters, squeezing his eye shut. “Ow,” he whimpers again.

“That’s Kanda for you,” Allen says from his position on Lavi’s bed, smiling. “Always so violent.”

For some reason, Allen and Lenalee get on with him much easier than any of the other pilots around, probably because they are the closest to him in age, albeit younger. He doesn’t know for sure if they’re together—they sometimes act like it and they’re almost inseparable, but there’s the question of Komui. He doesn’t want to ask, because he thinks he can figure it out. He likes figuring out things.

“It was incredible,” Lenalee agrees, eyes shining. “I’ve never seen anyone but Alma move with Kanda like that.”

“I got my ass kicked,” Lavi says, confused.

“I told you it’s not about being better at combat,” Allen tilts his head. “You sparred with him for _minutes_. He _let_ you spar with him _three times_.”

“He tried to kill me three times.”

“I think he kind of likes you,” Lenalee chuckles.

Lavi jolts out of the seat in shock. “W-what?” he stutters, face starting to heat up. “No. No way.”

Allen smirks and blinks at him slowly. “Lenalee didn’t mean in whatever way you’re thinking right now…you’ve got a crush on Kanda, Lavi?” then he sighs, resignedly. “Of course, _everyone’s_ got a crush on Kanda, even if his personality is as bland as cardboard.”

“Allen,” Lenalee rolls her eyes. “Kanda is fine. He’s just—“

“—a little rough around the edges,” Allen finishes. “I know. I know. But his _face_. I’ll prove my point to you,” he groans exasperatedly, turning to Lavi seriously. “Why do you like Kanda?”

“I never said I did!” Lavi huffs. “Even _if_ I did,” he starts. “He’s an incredible pilot. When I was in training, _Innocence_ _Illusion’s_ stats were fucking amazing. God, his Jaeger is like, a legend,” Lavi recounts dreamily. “And when I was sparring with him, I thought I was going to _die_. In a good and bad way.”

Allen taps his finger on his lap. “Do you think he’s hot?”

“He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” Lavi admits, and clicks his mouth shut right after.

“I told you,” Allen sniffs. “It’s his face.”

“I don’t know what point you’re trying to make,” Lenalee snorts, giving Lavi’s bruise one last rub. “We should leave, anyway. Have a good rest, Lavi. It’s a big day for you tomorrow.”

“Drift sync testing right? It shouldn’t be too bad—“

“Actually,” Lenalee looks at him. “You’re going to drift with him inside _Innocence_ _Illusion_ , not a simulation.”

Lavi startles. Usually potential co-pilots would have their compatibility rates measured inside the simulation run before they are allowed to pilot a Jaeger. “W-why?”

“Even if the compatibility between you two is less than ninety percent, it doesn’t matter. It’s hard enough to find _anyone_ that is even remotely compatible with Kanda on the mat. If there’s a chance that _Innocence_ _Illusion_ can be piloted, we’re taking it. It’s just a little more than a month to the next _akuma_ attack,” Allen smiles wryly. “You two will need to get used to each other as fast as possible.”

“I’m going to pilot _Innocence_ _Illusion_ ,” Lavi mumbles, shock clearly in his eye. “Fuck, I’m _Kanda_ _Yuu’s_ co-pilot. How?”

“Don’t freak out, Lavi,” Lenalee pats his shoulder. “You’re trained. Remember what you learned and it’ll be fine. Drifting isn’t so hard when you’ve found the right person,” she says, sharing a fond look with Allen. “Just don’t chase the rabbit.”

_During the Drift_ , Lavi remembers from his lectures in the academy, _Pilots will lapse into silence._ _Random Access Brain Impulse Triggers (or R.A.B.I.T.) is an occurrence wherein one of the pilots latches onto a memory. Focusing on a single memory is discouraged while piloting a Jaeger. The emotions from the memory typically translate into actions for the Jaeger depending on the hemisphere the pilot is calibrated to. As a result, first time pilots and pilots in general are advised never to "chase the rabbit”._

“Even if it’s an embarrassing memory, don’t cling on to it,” she warns. “It’s better to get it out in the open, and trust builds on from there. Your synchro rate will increase too.”

“Right. Okay.”

“We’ll be there,” Allen squeezes his shoulder. “Night, Lavi.”

“Goodnight, kids,” Lavi smiles, opening the door for them to leave.

He yelps when he meets Bookman standing the other side of it. “Hey, gramps,” he starts awkwardly. “Allen and Lenalee were just leaving.”

“Good night, Mr Bookman,” Both of the pilots chorus, walking down the corridor hand in hand after.

Huh, so they _are_ —

“Lavi,” Bookman begins when he steps into his charge’s room, and Lavi knows that if the conversation starts with his name, it’s not going to be good. “You have to quit while you still can.”

“I can’t.”

“You have to. You need to. Trust me, boy,” Bookman sighs.

“I literally _can’t_ ,” Lavi repeats. “I’m the only one who could be drift compatible with Kanda. You know how much more advantage we have if we have _Innocence_ _Illusion_. We need one more Jaeger, gramps,” he swallows. “Or we’re dead.”

Bookman gives him defeated look. “Because this isn’t about you.”

“It isn’t,” Lavi says. “I promise it isn’t.”

It comes as a shock, but Bookman grabs him by the waist and embraces him tightly. “Don’t chase the rabbit,” Bookman croaks harshly. “Don’t chase it. You hear me?”

“Yes,” he swallows. “Yes.”


	3. Chapter 3

It’s his first time wearing a drivesuit as an actual pilot—god, he can’t get over this—and he feels a tad bit nervous as he steps onto _Innocence_ _Illusion’s_ conn-pad. Kanda is already there, standing on the right side in his gear. The armour like suit covers over the pilot’s body perfectly, and Lavi can’t help the appreciative glance down even though it makes him feel like a pervert.

“So…” Lavi begins, holding his helmet in his hands.

“You know how it goes,” Kanda says, effectively cutting any small talk. “Get ready.”

“Yeah, in _theory_ ,” Lavi retorts.

Drift sync testing and the actual drift process are incredibly different. For one, he knows that the actual drift process is the union of two minds and memories and feelings—not something that can be replicated in a simulation.

“What if there’s something you don’t want me to see, or—“

“There won’t be,” Kanda declares firmly. “I don’t care what you think about me,” he eyes Lavi. “Are you going to be a problem?”

“I—no,” Lavi bites his lips. “No embarrassing childhood memories,” he chuckles weakly. “Everything blank, nada, zlich, zero.”

Kanda looks at him for a moment longer but doesn’t ask further.

“Alright you two, pons helmet on,” Komui’s voice blares through the speaker. “We’re going to lower the conn-pad.”

They fit themselves into place, Kanda on the right and Lavi on the left, spinal clamps in place and helmets fitted over their heads. The relay gel clears as Lavi tries to breathe calmly, eye tilted towards his co-pilot.

“Do you even know my name?” Lavi blurts suddenly.

Kanda looks annoyed, even behind the helmet. “Do I have to?”

“Well yeah, because I’m your co-pilot?”

“You are not my co-pilot yet,” Kanda says, and the conn-pad lowers down into _Innocence_ _Illusion_.

“Kanda!” comes Lenalee’s horrified voice from the speaker. “Don’t be so rude to Lavi!”

“Whatever.”

“Right. Ahem,” It’s Reever this time. “We’re ready to start the drift when you are. Give me a count, Kanda.”

Lavi looks over at Kanda again, and this time Kanda looks back with a determined glint in his eye as he nods once.

“One. Two,” Kanda counts calmly. “Three.”

* * *

Lavi doesn’t know how to describe the drifting process. It’s weird. It’s strange. He closes his eyes and he expects to see darkness, but instead he feels like he falling—but he doesn’t feel scared. It feels like he’s being pulled backwards by some force that grounds him at the same time. He knows that he’s lying still in the conn-pad but it also feels like he’s moving, like he’s moving through his memories backwards.

_“It isn’t,” Lavi says. “I promise it isn’t.”_

_Bookman gives him defeated look. “Because this isn’t about you.”_

He watches the conversations he’s had in the past few hours, days, all on fast rewind, yet he understands perfectly when they all happen.

_“Give him a chance,” Lenalee says. “Even when you had Alma, you’ve never—“ but she stops immediately when she sees the look on Kanda’s face. “I’m sorry. God, Kanda, I am so sorry—“_

_“It’s okay,” Kanda forces out, turning away._

Lavi swallows at the clench of pain at his heart, and then he realises that he’s seeing _Kanda’s_ memories—and feeling his feelings.

* * *

“Drift sequence phase one,” Reever reports, eyes tracking their stats in the local command centre where everyone else is watching the process. “So far stable. Synchro rate is at forty percent, slowly increasing.”

“That’s pretty good for phase one,” Chaoji observes.

“I think there’s _finally_ someone else out there who’s compatible with Kanda Yuu,” Marie adds in, smiling.

Komui nods. “Set them for phase two.”

* * *

Kanda blinks, looking around at his surroundings. He’s in a room that he can’t recognise, so he concludes he must be in one of Lavi’s memories.

_A young boy is on the couch, right eye plastered with blood soaked bandages. He looks fragile, like he’s going to break.  He stares forward like he isn’t seeing anything._

_A moment later the door opens, and it’s Bookman, twelve years ago. Bookman squats in front of the child._

_“I’m Bookman,” he introduces. “I’m going to be your guardian from now on.”_

_The boy blinks once. “Who am I?”_

_Bookman swallows. “You’re going to be okay, boy. You’re going to be okay.”_

_Tears stream down the child’s cheeks, but he doesn’t know why._

At least, Kanda knows the kid doesn’t understand why he’s crying.

* * *

Lavi finds himself in a room similar to the current one he has now, but it’s bigger with better furnishing and double beds. A groan sounds from one of the beds and the covers are pushed down in frustration as a handsome teen with a devilish smirk starts to whine.

Alma Karma.

_“Yuu,” Alma calls. “Hurry up, I’m fucking tired.”_

_Kanda saunters out of the bathroom, wearing only a thin pair of cotton pants._

_“Then go to sleep, idiot.” It’s chiding but fond, as Kanda slips down under the covers._

_Alma sighs audibly, hands reaching around his partner. “God, yes,” he breathes, nuzzling his nose into Kanda’s neck. “Much better.”_

_“I thought you said you wanted to sleep,” Kanda retorts, but he allows the other to pull him down for a kiss._

_“I didn’t,” Alma grins against his mouth. “You know how much I need you every time after we drift,” he punctuates this by kissing Kanda deeper, drinking in the deep moan he received in return._

_“You keep that up and you won’t be sleeping for the next two hours,” Kanda says, voice rough._

_“Only two hours?” Alma murmurs softly against his neck, sucking kisses along the pale throat._

_“Is that a challenge?”_

_“I had you for three, and that was after we slashed that akuma that hacked up glow acid every ten minutes._

_Kanda smirks. “I can keep you for four,” he whispers. “You’ll be begging by the first hour.”_

_Alma matches his smirk. “You’re on.”_

* * *

_“Who am I, really?” he asks again, a month later._

_Bookman hands him a photograph. There is a couple in it who’s smiling happily, a small girl with a tooth missing but laughing, and a boy with red hair, just like him._

_He blinks and looks up. “I don’t know them.”_

_“They were your family,” Bookman says._

_“I don’t know them,” he repeats. “Why don’t I know them?”_

_Bookman sighs, looking at him sadly. “Post traumatic stress disorder. The doctor said you will never remember a thing.”_

_He bites his lip. He looks at the photograph again. “What if I want to?”_

_Bookman doesn’t quite give him a smile. “I don’t think you want to.”_

* * *

_“You know,” Alma says lazily, pouring kisses down Kanda’s bare back. “What if we drifted with an akuma?”_

_“Are you insane?” Kanda mutters, eyes closed with his head on the pillow, stomach down. “Why would anyone do that?”_

_“They’ve been invading us for years but we haven’t got a clue about them,” Alma continues, just as he continues his descent of his lips down Kanda’s spine. “We understand each other through the drift, right? What if we could understand what the akumas were? We can find out their weakness and fuck them up.”_

_“There’s nothing to understand about them,” Kanda responds. “They’re killing machines. So we kill them.”_

_Alma laughs. “You have no imagination,” he pouts, kissing his way back up to Kanda’s shoulder. “I’m just saying, someone should try it. It’s not like the science guys are progressing.”_

_“No one would be fucking crazy enough to do it,” Kanda states, turning his head so that his co-pilot can meet his mouth._

_“I would be,” Alma hums, kissing him again. “Mmm, Yuu,” he breathes. “Do that thing with your tongue again. Mmm—ngh—“_

_The conversation doesn’t progress further._

* * *

“Drift sequence phase two. They’re up to sixty five percent synchro,” Reever reads.

Excited murmurs cast around the local command centre.

“If they’re stable for a few more seconds, we’re initiating the neural handshake,” Komui announces. “On ten. One, two, three, four, five,” he counts steadily. “Six, seven—“

“Wait,” Johnny, sitting at the screen right in the front pauses. “Synchro level dropped by one percent.”

Everyone casts their glances to the hologram showing the synchro levels. The level hovers at sixty four percent. Then it plummets down to thirty.

“ _Shit_ ,” Reever swears. “Kanda, Lavi! Can one of your hear me?”

There is no response except for the beeping alarm in the background.

“Initiate pull back,” Komui commands firmly. “They’re getting stuck in the drift.”

“Which one?”

Komui swallows. “Both of them.”

* * *

_“It’s a category four,” Alma tells him, pulling on the pons helmet._

_“Don’t be stupid,” Kanda scoffs, settling into his place in the Jaeger. “There’re only category threes.”_

_“Before we had category threes, we only had category twos,” Alma snorts. “It’s a four this time. And I know how to beat it.”_

_“Kanda, Alma, initiating drift sequence in ten seconds.”_

_Kanda stares at the other. “Alma, what the fuck did you do?” he hisses._

_“You’ll find out,” Alma winks, tapping the helmet._

_Kanda closes his eyes and lets the drift takes him through their memories. He sees Alma creeping into the biology lab. He sees Alma fitting on the pons helmet that is connected to an akuma brain scavenged from their last fight. He squeezes his eyes tight and gasps as he’s being pulled into another drift, and when he opens his eyes all he sees is an azure blue that burns too brightly._

_A weird creature with an oblong shape for a head peers back at him, three fingers reaching out to touch. Kanda can only stare wide eyed, and when one of those fingers touch his forehead, he gets pulled out of the drift abruptly._

_And then he knows._

_“Fuck, Alma,” Kanda thinks across their headspace, breathing heavily. “Why the fuck did you drift with an akuma brain? Don’t—don’t ever do it again.”_

_“It was fine. You saw, right?” Alma responds. “The portal thing. We’ve got to tell Komui about that.”_

_“Why didn’t you tell anyone earlier?”_

_“How am I supposed to get anyone to believe me?” Alma scoffs. “If you vouch that I’m saying the truth, people will take it seriously. It’s you, after all.”_

_“What’s that supposed to mean?”_

_“It means you’re the most boring person on the planet, Yuu,” Alma thinks easily, earning a growl. “Anyway, let’s deal with this akuma first. Aim for the point right between the ribs. We can take this bitch down, no problem.”_

_Grudgingly Kanda thinks Alma’s got a point. It’s the first time they’ve ever felt so confident that they could beat an akuma, even if it’s a new category. It’s like he knows where to hit to take it down in three paces. It’s like he knows everything about the akuma even before he sees it._

_It’s too easy._

_It feels too easy._

_That’s because it is._

_Once they face the akuma out in the sea, teeth bared and monstrous eyes glinting, they know something is very wrong._

_“It’s going to take me,” Alma thinks to Kanda in panic. “It’s going to kill me, Yuu.”_

_It’s because drifting is a mind meld. It means that the memories, thoughts and feelings go_ both _ways. Just as Alma has gained the knowledge about the akuma and the portal, the akuma knows about the weaknesses of Innocence Illusion and who Alma is._

_Where he is._

_“You don’t know for sure,” Kanda thinks back, trying to calm him down._

_“Ghost drifting,” Alma thinks. “I can feel it. I know for sure. Yuu, oh god, I’m so sorry—“_

_Their mental conversation cuts immediately when the akuma lunges for them. They parry the blow, trying to aim for the point on its ribs—but it seems like the akuma knows; it yanks their Jaeger down to its knees and goes for the point right behind the neck of the Jaeger—into the conn-pod._

_Kanda goes white when he sees the claw, wet and scaly, close around his co-pilot. “No,” he denies to himself. “No.”_

_“Yuu,” Alma thinks to him desperately, and Kanda can feel how fucking terrified his partner is, dangling in the akuma’s grip. “Save me.”_

_That’s the last thing that echoes in his mind before the akuma yanks Alma fully out of the Jaeger and crushes him._

_The resulting scream is beyond terrible—he thinks it’s Alma but after Kanda screams he realises it’s him, he can’t stop the agonising pain that sears through his veins, burns right into his skull and shoots through his heart. He doesn’t know if it’s a physical manifestation of being cut off from the neural handshake so suddenly, but it hurts so bad that he’s gasping violently for air, hands trembling so hard that he loses his grip on the controls._

_Suddenly everything is so quiet. In his head, it feels empty, and that scares him more than he could ever explain._

_“A-alma?” he begs, but he knows it’s futile. Only silence echoes now._

_He stares wide eyed at the hole in his Jaeger—the hole that Alma was grabbed from._

Save me.

His _Alma._

* * *

Kanda gasps awake. He struggles to breathe despite how his throat constricts, and he refuses to cry, ignoring the burn in his heart. He hasn’t seen Alma so clearly in two years, not counting the times he’s woken up screaming Alma’s name in the middle of the night, midst the cold sea splatter of his broken Jaeger.

 _Save me._ Alma had pleaded. _Save me._

“Kanda! Kanda!” Reever shouts through the speakers. “Can you hear me? Kanda!”

“I can hear you,” Kanda forces himself to speak, voice slightly cracked.

“Good, good,” Reever sounds far away, like how Tapp sounds even further. “Okay, pilot one stabilizing…but pilot two is still…”

“Kanda,” Komui begins urgently. “Can you find Lavi? He’s gotten stuck.”

Kanda looks over to the redhead who has his eye shut closed, mouth muttering words that he cannot hear. “Shut it down,” he commands immediately. “Shut the fucking power down!”

“We can’t,” Komui tells him. “He’s gotten stuck too deep. If we cut the connection now we’ll lose him. We need you to bring him back up first.”

“Fuck,” Kanda swears, quickly searching through their shared headspace. “Twenty seconds. Then you shut the power off.”

He feels the redhead at one particular drifting memory, and he dives himself into it.

* * *

Lavi stands in the middle of a city, rubble and debris all around him. It doesn’t look familiar, but he feels like he should know this place. People are screaming and running around him, but he walks carefully, casting his gaze around. Nothing catches his eye, until he sees a young boy crouching ten paces ahead of him.

_The boy is crying._

_“I can get you out,” he blabbers frantically, yanking at a concrete pillar to no avail. “I can,” he insists, tears streaming down. “I can. I can. I can—“_

_“Lavi, listen to me.” Underneath the debris is a man hugging a woman and a small girl tight. “You have to run.”_

_“I can do this. I can. I can, papa,” the boy begs, blood tricking from his fingers as he claws at the pillar._

_The surrounding area is suddenly deserted, and then a loud smash comes from a hundred meters behind. The force of vibration causes all of them to stagger._

_“Run,” the man shouts instead. “Run!”_

_“I can’t leave you!” the boy screams. “I can’t—“_

_“Lavi, listen to me,” the woman starts this time, gentle. “You’re a big boy now, right? Papa will protect us. You need to protect yourself.”_

_“But—“ It’s clear that the boy doesn’t believe a single word of it. “I can’t,” he whispers._

_A thunderous footstep echoes from fifty meters behind them._

_“Run,” the man begs. “Please. For us.”_

_The boy raises his head shakily when a shadow is casted over him. He doesn’t have any words to utter as he stares at the huge alien creature hovering above him. The roar released quakes him to his toes and he can’t feel his limbs._

_He wants to run._

_He needs to run._

_He scrambles back on his hands as the akuma takes a step forward—and crushes the debris covering the man, woman and girl. The force blows out at him—he doesn’t manage to block a piece of concrete flying into his face and whacking his right eye._

_He sits up, hands releasing his eye. He can’t see anything from the right side anymore, but his hands look red with some sticky substance. He wonders what it is._

“Lavi!” Kanda snaps, grabbing him by the arm roughly. “Lavi, wake up.”

Lavi doesn’t respond to him, his eye is still trained on the young boy.

“It’s just a memory,” Kanda continues, gripping his neck. “Wake up.”

Kanda is forced to yank both of them down when a metal machine abruptly enters into the scene, smashing the _akuma_ into the ground.

_The Jaeger is of an old design but it looks fairly new in its day—the first of all the Jaeger series, a Mark-1._

Judgement Fist.

_The Jaeger battles the akuma ruthlessly, throwing the alien down and down again. The young boy sits, unmoving on the ground, staring at the flattened debris._

_“Give them back,” he murmurs, softly, and then louder. “Give them back.”_

_Glass breaks around him and broken signs fly, but he doesn’t care._

_“GIVE THEM BACK!” he screams._

“Lavi!” Kanda shakes the redhead urgently. “Fuck.”

It doesn’t seem like Lavi is responding to anything that he’s saying, so Kanda aims for another tactic. He slides the visor of Lavi’s helmet up and punches the youth.

Lavi splutters, groaning as he tries to sit up. “Ow, Yuu…”

Kanda heaves a sigh of relief, albeit a small one. “You fucking idiot,” he says, yanking Lavi up by the neck. “Stay with me,” he commands, forcing the redhead to meet his eyes. “Stay with me, you understand?”

But even as he says this, Lavi’s eye is slowly being unfocused again.

“Fuck, get a grip!”

Kanda curses as an impact resonates from a hundred meters away, and he grabs Lavi tight so that they don’t get blown away. A few seconds later, the Jaeger appears next to them, next to the young boy, its heavy robotic fist landing on the ground in some resting position.

_The head eases up and the conn-pad emergency exit door opens. A man pushes himself up on top of his robot, long red hair flowing in the wind as he pulls off his helmet. He looks down with a look of contemplation. A woman joins him seconds later, blonde hair released from her helmet._

_Cross Marian and Cloud Nyne, the first pilots of a Jaeger._

_“How’s the kid?” Cloud asks._

_Cross smirks. “Alive.”_

“My dad…” Lavi murmurs. “My mom…my sis…”

Kanda growls, closing his eyes. He searches their headspace for Lavi—just to grab and ground him, anything, before Lavi slips down the drift further.

“Lavi,” Kanda thinks into their headspace forcefully. “Stay with me.”

He sees Lavi’s green irises dilating and constricting, a sign that the other is slipping in and out of it. Kanda doesn’t know what else to do to ground Lavi with him.

So he kisses him.

* * *

“Ten more seconds and we lose him completely,” Reever states, worried. “Boost the synchro rate artificially—anything! Help Kanda get him!”

Lenalee swallows, gripping Allen’s hand tightly. “Oh god, please…” she whispers.

“I said twenty and you shut the power,” Kanda says when he opens his eyes. “Shut it. Now!”

“He’s still in too deep!” Reever insists. “We’ll lose him!”

_Five._

_Four._

_Three._

“I HAVE HIM! JUST SHUT THE FUCKING POWER!”

_Two._

Johnny yanks out the main circuit control wires and everything comes to a stop, the lights of their computers cut off immediately.

Kanda feels the connection in his head disappear, resounding an emptiness that echoes back into his brain, but he ignores it as he pulls himself off and grabs Lavi before the other sinks to his knees. Lavi is heavier than he expected, or maybe his own limbs feel like dead weight, so he only manages to get Lavi lying against him, head lolling against his neck.

“I’m bringing the conn-pad up,” Reever states over the speaker.

“Lavi,” Kanda shakes him after he pulls both their helmets off. “Wake up.”

He cradles Lavi’s face, almost gently. “Lavi,” he pats the other’s cheek with a bit of force. “Wake up,” he repeats.

“Ngh—“ Lavi stirs, groaning. “…Yuu? …Did you kiss me?”

The relief is visible on Kanda’s face, but he tenses up a second later. He stands up abruptly, causing Lavi to hit the floor painfully.

“You—you fucking idiot!” Kanda snarls at him, fist tightening in anger. “You should have fucking told me!”

Lavi staggers himself upright, trying to steady himself. “Fuck—I didn’t know!”

Kanda doesn’t take that for an excuse because he grabs Lavi by the neck painfully. “The drift doesn’t just share memories, our feelings get _amplified_ ,” he hisses lowly. “You said you had no childhood memories!”

“They said I would never remember!” Lavi argues. “I didn’t even realise that was me until I—“  he stops, taking in a shuddering breath. “God, I can’t believe my dad—“

“Get a grip,” Kanda grinds out. “You nearly lost yourself in the drift, do you fucking understand how dangerous that is?”

“Great job,” Lavi sours. “Because you didn’t get stuck either!”                                                             

“And I got out of it,” Kanda stares hard at him. “You know why I need a co-pilot now. Wasn’t that enough of a fucking clue? You have no excuse.”

“Yeah?” Lavi swallows, feeling indignation of anger searing through his veins. “Where do you want me to start? I’m fucked up because an _akuma_ killed my family and I don’t remember who they are anymore? Or maybe because I didn’t even know who the fuck I am?”

Kanda snarls. “I don’t care! If you fuck up—“

“Of course you don’t care!” Lavi yells back. “Because the only thing you ever cared about is _dead_!”

There is a slate of silence.

Kanda clenches his fists so tightly that his palms start to bleed.

Lavi feels his gut plunge into ice. “Y-yuu, I—“

“Fuck you,” Kanda hisses, storming out of the conn-pad.

Lavi watches, numb.


	4. Chapter 4

Bookman finds him in their science lab two hours later, curled up on the couch. He had barged past everyone when he exited the conn-pad, running to a secluded place to be by himself. He doesn’t dare to go back to his room knowing that Kanda is just right across him.

Bookman sighs, draping a towel over his shoulders and sits next to him.

Lavi squeezes his hands tightly and tries not to cry, just as he has for the past two hours.

“I’m so sorry,” Bookman says.

“You knew that I would remember,” Lavi chokes out.

“Yes.”

“I wish I didn’t,” Lavi says in a whisper.

Bookman rests a hand on his shoulder. “You’re going to be okay, Lavi,” he says. “You’re going to be okay.”

* * *

If he thought Kanda was cold when he first met him, it is nothing compared to how the pilot is treating him now. He doesn’t see Kanda enter or leave his room, but he does see him in the cafeteria sometimes. Kanda doesn’t even so much as act like Lavi exists. He never manages to get within ten meters of the man, much less strike up a conversation.

But then again, Lavi doesn’t know what they should talk about either.

He feels Kanda lingering in his mind, like if he thinks about something or feels something, Kanda will know it. He says he’s sorry a million times, but there is no voice echoing back.

It just means he tries harder.

He feels like his heart is tearing apart. He doesn’t know if this is how Kanda feels all the time since Alma had been taken away. Now he knows why there’s a law that bans any attempt to drift with an _akuma_ , because it’s been attempted before, with dangerous consequences. Sometimes Lavi wakes up, drenched in cold sweat with Kanda screaming, pain sizzling through his bones.

Ghost drifting, Lavi knows. A side effect after you’ve been in the drift. The drift link remains somewhat active, though muted, after you’ve disconnected from the hardware per se.

Sometimes, he feels what he thinks Kanda feels inside.

Sometimes, it feels like death.

* * *

Neither of them are called to do anything for the moment. It’s about three weeks to the _akuma_ invasion, but Komui and Reever have not decided if they want them to try drifting again.

It’s a dangerous gamble.

Everyone knows that Kanda and Lavi are drift compatible. But if they lose themselves in the drift for a second time, there may not be a way back. If successful, they earn the power of another Jaeger, including the strength of one of the best pilots in history. If they don’t, they lose two pilots to the drift, with one less Jaeger for the final battle. Or maybe they should search for another pilot pair, with no guarantee of their skill. Possibilities are available, but a choice needs to be made.

Time is ticking, but hard choices need time.

* * *

It starts out small.

Lavi moans, threading his fingers through dark inky tresses and obligingly opens his mouth wider to let that skilful tongue lead his into a heated dance. He doesn’t think much, only to feel the hot and wet sensations, and also the need that starts to pool in his abdomen.

He has his eye closed in pleasure, taking quick small desperate breaths of air when the mouth releases him for a second before claiming him again.

He’s never been kissed so dedicatedly in his life, and he never wants to stop.

“Yuu,” he gasps, unable to hold back a desperate plea for more.

Suddenly he jolts awake, eye snapping open in horror. His hands are trembling by the force of grip he had been holding on to his sheets, and he feels a hot flush running from his neck right down to his hard on.

The cold shock of embarrassment sets in a second later, but he still feels achingly hard.

Lavi swallows, scrambling out of his bed and rushes to the shower. He doesn’t bother to strip before he yanks the cold tap on full, shuddering under the chill that seeps into his skin. Breathing hard, he leans against the wall and tries to calm down.

He imagines that mouth kissing him full again, and he jolts out of the day dream in panic.

He’s never been so aroused by one person _kissing_ him, it’s almost pathetic. Worse because he knows that person is Kanda Yuu.

* * *

A week passes, and Lavi searches Allen out in desperation. The white haired boy has just finished his own training on the mat and smiles when Lavi pulls him aside to talk privately, never mind that the redhead has been avoiding almost everyone since the failed drift.

He blames himself for it, because everyone else (but Kanda) doesn’t.

“I keep having…dreams,” Lavi begins uneasily, and Allen pauses in the midst of wiping his face with his towel to look at him.

“Normal.”

Lavi shakes his head. “Not the usual dreams,” he elaborates reluctantly. “I keep dreaming about Yuu.”

“Also normal,” Allen says in a heartbeat, then he looks curious. “You call him by his first name. Well, not surprising, I suppose. You did drift with him.”

“Sexy dreams,” Lavi elaborates, frustrated. “ _Wet_ dreams. I haven’t had a wet dream since I was a stupid teenage boy with a crush on my therapist!”

“Totally normal.”

“—I’m not talking like—wait, what?” Lavi gapes, staring.

Allen brushes off the look. “Ghost drifting,” he explains easily. “The after effect. Every pilot goes through it. Nothing is wrong with you, Lavi,” he states, amused.

Lavi has heard first time pilots complaining about the phenomenon. They don’t feel right without their co-pilot by their side. They don’t feel complete. They touch each other, all the time, as if to remind themselves that they’re there.

“I know about the side effects but…”

“It’s exactly how it is. You feel like something’s missing,” Allen smiles, but it’s bittersweet. “Like you’re never going to be warm until you’re connected again. Your body is undergoing a withdrawal phase.”

“But,” Lavi lowers his tone to a whisper. “I keep seeing us having _sex_!” he hisses, desperate. “At first it was just kissing but then two days later he’s _fucking_ me and I can’t—“

Allen starts coughing violently. “Edging into TMI territory there,” he warns, looking disturbed.

“I can’t forget it. My memory doesn’t let me forget,” Lavi groans, frantic. “I see Yuu _everywhere_ and I _don’t_ even see him because he’s avoiding me like the black plague. Fuck, I feel like I’m going to _die_. It fucking hurts,” he whimpers, clawing at his chest.

“Drifting amplifies feelings, sexual included,” Allen reminds him. “If you thought of him _that_ way before the drift, it gets worse. You did say you thought he was hot,” he shrugs.

Lust, he can handle, but this feels _beyond_ that in words that he can’t explain.

“You don’t understand, Allen! I feel like I-I want—no, I _need_ him. I—“

Allen looks at him in sympathy. “I know how it’s like,” he says, quirking a smile. “I have a co-pilot.”

Lavi stares. “…But, Komui—“

“He pretends not to know and we prefer to keep it that way,” Allen says easily. “It isn’t a choice that you can choose, Lavi. Once you drift with someone, you aren’t your own person anymore.”

“I am so fucked,” Lavi mutters, sinking to the floor. He knocks his head on his knees. “And I’m not even his co-pilot yet.”

Allen squats beside him and pats him on the shoulder. “You’ll feel better if you touch him, I suppose,” he offers. “Like all withdrawal symptoms, you’ll feel better if you take a bit of the drug. You have to wean it. It gets better with time.”

“I—I can’t,” Lavi moans. “Not after what I said to him,” he mumbles. “What do I do? I know he hates me. I can _feel_ it. He’s not going to let me touch him.”

“He will,” Allen smiles. “Doesn’t look like it, but he feels the same way inside,” at Lavi’s confused look, he elaborates. “It’s a two way process. Whatever you’re feeling, he feels it too.”

“But he’s drifted with somebody else before,” Lavi protests. “He’s used to this.”

“He hasn’t drifted with you,” Allen points out. “He’ll let you. I can bet you on that.”

* * *

He waits two more days before he gives up. He’s never felt so wrecked by anything in his life. He can hardly close his eyes without feeling Kanda’s mouth on his body, nor can he ignore the ache that hurts so bad knowing that Kanda is just right across the corridor and he can’t see nor touch him.

He wakes up to come stained sheets and he hasn’t even touched himself.

It’s the last straw, and he drags himself out of bed, changing into a fresh pair of pants. The clock flashes 4 a.m, but he goes across the corridor anyway. He can feel Kanda just behind the metal door, and it drives him crazy.

“Yuu,” he whispers, knocking on the door softly. “Yuu!”

There is no response, so he knocks harder and raises his volume. He doesn’t care if he’s going to wake everyone in the corridor. “Yuu!”

It takes three more minutes of non-stop knocking before the door swings violently open.

“What the _fuck_ is your problem?” Kanda hisses, long hair spilling down his shoulders.

The pilot is not wearing a shirt, a large tattoo painted over the side of his bare chest. His pants look rumpled, as he was most probably sleeping before Lavi decided to wake him.

Lavi swallows, the sudden visage overwhelming his senses. “I-I’m sorry,” he blurts. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Fuck, shut up,” Kanda grinds out looking more irritated than ever. “I don’t care.”

“I’m sorry. You know I am. I shouldn’t have said that,” Lavi says desperately. “I’m really sorry, Yuu.”

The look in Kanda’s eyes hardens immediately. “Don’t _ever_ call me by my first name,” he snarls, slamming the door shut.

Lavi jumps at the impact. “Shit, fuck,” he swears. “Yuu, please!” he calls out, banging on the door once. “Please. Kanda, please.”

The door doesn’t open again.

Lavi sits down by the door, back against it. He feels even worse now, having seen Kanda and having him within touching distance but being denied that contact. He feels like his heart is ripping apart, and he doesn’t know if it’s him or Kanda.

He shivers, pulling himself close into a ball and shuffles to a position that he can sleep in. It’s difficult, but he still falls asleep, knowing that Kanda is closer now than he has been since the drift.

The thought comforts him slightly.

* * *

Kanda wakes at six every morning to go through his katas on the mat. It’s early but that’s because he prefers to practice when there’s absolutely no one around. It’s no exception even if his sleep was disturbed by a redhead at four, he still gets ready to leave his room at the usual time.

He doesn’t expect the body of the redhead that falls at his feet when he opens his door.

“What the fuck,” Kanda mutters, blinking.

Lavi stirs groggily from the jerk, shifting himself to sit up. He rubs his good eye blearily, fingers self consciously skimming at his right eye that is sewn shut—he’d forgotten that he took off his eye patch last night before he clambered out of bed. Kanda doesn’t seem to care about it, however.

“What do you want,” Kanda bites out, nudging him with his foot.

The redhead looks absolutely _wrecked_. His hair is in a mess and he looks like he hasn’t slept properly in days—also, he’s trembling with a tension so tight that Kanda’s sure he’s going to snap.

“You,” Lavi he begs, voice hoarse. “Fuck—you—you _know_ what I need. Please.”

Kanda steels his jaw. He does know, because he’s been through it for years with Alma. He’s gotten better at controlling it but obviously the red head has no clue where to start. Kanda debates whether he should be cruel and leave Lavi there, but, maybe leaving him alone for a week is cruel enough.

“I can’t take this anymore,” Lavi pleads, fists curled up so tight, he’s trying to prevent himself from jumping the man in front of him. “Please.”

Kanda sighs, knowing that the redhead is only holding back because he doesn’t want to do anything without permission, even if it’s killing him inside. He scowls and drops the bag slung over his shoulder to the ground, holding out one hand.

“Take it.”

Lavi doesn’t need to be told twice. The tension seeps out of Lavi the moment that he touches Kanda—and he closes his eyes in relief. The redhead shuffles right into Kanda’s personal space as if drawn by a magnet.

“You can kill me later,” he mumbles before throwing himself right into Kanda. “Oh god,” he sighs, into the crook of Kanda’s neck, breathing in deeply. “I didn’t realise it would be this bad—I mean, I’ve heard rumours on how touchy pilots get but I never thought I’d feel like I’d _die_ if I didn’t…”

Kanda tenses for a moment, but reluctantly doesn’t shove him off. “Shut up,” he says, rapping the back of Lavi’s head. “I’m only letting you do this once,” he states, holding Lavi by the neck. “Your heartbeat is too fast. Calm down. Breathe with me. One. Two. Three. One—“

Lavi focuses on Kanda’s voice, trying to get his rhythm under control. It starts to slow down to a less dangerous pace, but he closes his eye by mistake and slips into another day dream.

This time he can feel Kanda underneath him, that toned body pressing him in all the right places. Without thinking he opens his mouth and kisses Kanda on the neck, hands slipping around the other’s waist to hold him tight.

“God, Yuu,” he breathes, rubbing his lips over the same spot again.

His head is abruptly pulled back roughly, and Lavi winces at the pain in his neck from the force.

Kanda stares at him hard. “Stop it. You are not Alma,” he states. “You will never be him.”

“I’m _not_ trying to be him,” Lavi mutters. “I’m Lavi. I’m _staying_ Lavi. But I need you,” he doesn’t care if he sounds so needy, but that’s how desperate he is right now.

“You _don’t_ need me,” Kanda says firmly. “Ghost drifting can delude people. Make them feel things from a memory. How much did you see of Alma and I?”

“Everything,” Lavi answers truthfully. “Every time.”

“That’s why.”

Lavi shakes his head. “It’s not—it’s not because of that. I know it isn’t.”

“The one week has gotten into your head,” Kanda says, sounding a little guilty. The pilot drags Lavi over to the bed and dumps him on it, not gently. “Close your eyes. Try to sleep. It’ll be better after.”

That’s the thing with drugs Allen did not mention. Once you have a small dose, the addiction starts.

Lavi refuses to let go of Kanda. “Do something. Anything.”

“I’m not going to do something that you’ll regret later.”

“You kissed me,” Lavi argues. “In the drift.”

“I had to,” Kanda states flatly. “You were losing it.”

“Kiss me again.”

“No.”

“Then stay with me.”

Kanda scowls. “Fine. Move,” he shoves Lavi further to the other side of the bed and climbs in. “Don’t try anything funny.”

Lavi presses as much as he can against Kanda. The hard burn of longing contact has simmered into a dull hum in the back of his mind, but he still feels _incomplete_. He tries to feel Kanda more, hugging the man by the waist, but it doesn’t work.

“Stop trying to find it,” Kanda shifts against him, trying to make the redhead let up. “You won’t feel it unless you drift again.”

An hour later, Lavi sighs.

“I hate this,” he mutters. “This feeling. I need you so much. I hate it.”

Kanda rolls his eyes, staring at the ceiling in boredom. He’d thought Lavi would’ve fallen asleep, and had been aiming to leave once that happened. But staying in close contact with the person he’s drifted with wins out more. Even if Kanda’s been through the symptoms of ghost drifting, it’s still the first time he’s done it with Lavi. He knows how to control the urges from experience, but it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel the relief when they touch.

“I didn’t mean it,” Lavi says. “I know you care about everyone. Even stupid first time pilot me.”

“I don’t,” Kanda retorts immediately. “And you’re still not a pilot.”

Lavi ignores him. “You think I’m interesting.”

“I am _not_ interested.”

“You think I’m cute,” Lavi continues. “Like a rabbit.”

“I do not.”

“You—“

“If you don’t shut up, I’ll kick you out.”

Lavi shuts his mouth, but he smiles. He feels better now, with the reassuring warmth of Kanda next to him. His head is the clearest since he’s drifted, and he’s able to shift through the memories and feelings in his head, separating his and Kanda’s.

For the first time in more than a week, Lavi sleeps peacefully.

* * *

“You said it’ll get better,” Lavi shakes Allen, hard.

“Woah, woah—Lavi! Stop!”

“Sorry,” the redhead runs his hand through his hair, in frustration. “It’s not getting better, Allen!”

“Something wrong, Lavi?” Lenalee asks curiously as she trots up, tray of food in hand.

They’re in the cafeteria, but it’s relatively empty, since its way past the normal time for dinner. Lavi had found Allen eating some sort of sweetened glutinous balls and took the chance to speak with him. Lenalee sits down next to Allen, and pilots share a look that makes Lavi feel like he can never understand what expires between the two.

“Ghost drifting,” Allen explains, grabbing the carton of apple juice from Lenalee’s tray.

“Ah,” Lenalee makes an understanding noise.

“You said it’ll be better after I touch Yuu,” Lavi goes on. “It _hasn’t_.”

“I said it’ll be better with _weaning_ ,” Allen emphasizes. “Not by having sex with him once.”

“We didn’t have sex,” Lavi feels the need to point it out. “He let me sleep with him. I mean, next to him,” he corrects hastily. “It felt better when I woke up, but he wasn’t there, and then I—“ he groans. “I fell asleep again for a short while, and this time I dreamt that _I_ was fucking him. On his bed.”

For some reason he doesn’t feel the need to be embarrassed around the other two pilots, maybe because both of them are listening seriously like they understand.

“Maybe you _do_ need to sleep with him,” Lenalee says finally, grabbing the apple juice back from Allen.

“He won’t do it. He thinks I’m feeling this way because of his memories of Alma.”

Allen chews the last of his dessert slowly. “Well. Are you?”

“No!”

“It’s hard to be sure,” Lenalee puts in gently. “Connecting two people’s minds together can really mess you up. It’s even more complicated when one of you have been connected with someone else before.”

“It’s…I don’t know how to explain it,” Lavi admits. “I can feel Alma like I can feel Yuu, but it’s not the same. Alma feels like another person. I _know_ I’m not that person. I know how Alma loved Yuu, and I—” then he stops, voice dropping to a whisper. “I think I love Yuu.”

Allen and Lenalee rest their hands on his back slowly.

“Fuck,” Lavi mutters, the realisation washing him cold. “Oh fuck.”

“Lavi, it’s okay,” Lenalee murmurs. “It’s okay.”

Lavi hears Allen trying to calm him down but he can’t focus enough to listen to the words. He’s never thought being pilot would put him through this, but then that’s because he’s never thought about the implications of being a pilot with someone else.

_Total trust, total commitment_ , the academy had reiterated time and time again.

Lavi thought he understood what that meant, but that was before he let someone into his mind, and entered into someone else’s. He knows that he _knows_ Kanda more than anyone else except Alma, even if he’s only met the person for a couple of weeks.

Total trust, total commitment.

He’s seen almost everything of Kanda’s memories, he’s felt almost everything of Kanda’s, and he’s understood very inch of who Kanda is.

It’s inevitable that he falls for him, with that knowledge.

The funny thing is, he’s still not a pilot.


	5. Chapter 5

Invasion day arrives quicker than they want it to.

“Three _akumas_ this time,” Lavi nods. “I’ve predicted that it’ll be anytime within tomorrow and three days after that. I don’t know what category they’ll be, but we should assume the worst.”

“Right,” Komui replies grimly. “We have currently only have four active Jaegers, and we need to sit _Dark_ _Clown_ out of this one for the final plan. Do the rest of you feel comfortable with taking down a category four each?”

Nods go round the table.

“Good,” Komui says. “We’ll have _Blood_ _Record_ launched first, and _Noel_ _Baptism_ and then _Eden’s_ _Madness_. Stick to the formation as we’ve discussed and find the fastest way to end them. We need all of you.”

It’s lucky that they had the meeting exactly twelve hours before the world goes to shit.

Lavi is just getting ready for bed one minute past twelve when the emergency alarm blares across the shatterdome. He races out of his room only to collide with Kanda. They haven’t spoken since the last time Kanda left Lavi on his bed, and Lavi couldn’t bring himself to seek the man out after he shamelessly jerked off on the other’s bed after waking up from that dream.

It’s not the time to worry about these things, however, and they both move as fast as they can to the local command centre.

Komui is giving orders for deployment, and Allen and Lenalee stand with them, watching grimly.

“Category four,” Johnny confirms as one of the _akumas_ appear on the radar.

“ _Blood_ _Record_ , ready for neural handshake,” Tapp intones. “Initiating, three, two, one.”

Lavi has seen Miranda and Krory deploy multiple times, but he always watches, awed at how battle ready they always are, even if their personalities don’t seem to match up. The neural handshake stabilizes within seconds, and _Blood_ _Record_ is loaded out.

“ _Akuma_ two,” Johnny notes. “Another category four.”

_Noel Baptism_ and _Eden’s Madness_ are launched shortly after, and they all move towards the pacific rim, the source of the _akumas_.

“It’s only two so far,” Johnny observes.

“It’s three,” Lavi emphasizes. “My predictions are never wrong.”

“Sixty seconds to contact,” Tapp warns _Blood_ _Record_. “Get ready.”

There are only a few visuals from the helicopters that followed the Jaegers out, but mostly their progress is monitored by the signals of the pilots in the Jaegers. _Blood_ _Record_ engages the first _akuma_ in combat, and everyone holds a tense silence.

“ _Noel_ _Baptism_ ,” Tapp reads. “Forty seconds to contact.”

“Levels of _Blood_ _Record_ are stable. Holding strong,” Johnny states. “Impact on the left arm joint. Levels are still stable.”

On the chart, _Noel_ _Baptism_ locks the second akuma into battle.

“Still only two _akumas_ ,” Komui observes. “ _Eden’s_ _Madness_ , provide backup wherever possible.”

“It’s three,” Lavi murmurs, watching the chart.

A red glow appears on it, signalling the arrival of the last _akuma_ , albeit late. Johnny is silent as he stares at it. “…Category _five_ ,” he says finally.

“What?” Reever rushes over, looking through the stats that their computers are receiving. “Impossible.”

“There’s no such thing as a category five,” Kanda frowns.

“Before category four, there was no such thing as a category four either,” Lavi points out.

“It’s a category five, alright,” Reever sighs. “It’s way beyond the stats of the strongest category four we’ve encountered.”

“Pilots, on your guard,” Komui announces. “Stick to the plan.”

The dots on the chart tracking the Jaegers move into formation. It’s incredibly tense as all they can do is stare at the dots moving towards each other into one, red bleeding into blue. All they know is that the pilots are fighting with their lives on the line, and as long as the blue doesn’t disappear, they’re still alive.

“Critical hit,” Johnny jerks his gaze to the screen, where the outline of _Blood_ _Record_ is turning red. “Their power is draining. Krory! Miranda! Can either of you hear me?”

When there is no response, Reever curses.

“ _Noel Baptism, Eden’s Madness_ ,” Komui steps in calmly, but his eyes tinge with worry. “Do either of you have a visual on _Blood_ _Record_?”

There is some swearing from Sokaro that indicates _Eden’s Madness_ is busy in battle, but Marie’s voice filters through.

“Their Jaeger is down after the _akuma_ let out some sort of a blast. We’re trying to hold them as much as we can.”

“It’s an EMP blast,” Lavi concludes, grim. “Mark-4s run on digital.”

“I can’t get them online,” Tapp grits his teeth, running his hands over the controls for something to work.

If _Blood Record_ is unable to move, it’s sitting duck waiting for death.

“Guys—“ Allen swallows, stares. “They’re gone,” he whispers. “They’re gone.”

Everyone freezes, eyes drawn to the chart. Sure enough, the blue dot signalling _Blood_ _Record’s_ presence isn’t to be found anywhere.

Lavi grips his trembling fist tight. He’s known Miranda and Krory for all the years he’s been officially working for The Black Order, and the thought that they’re _gone_ —just like that…

Almost immediately the status of both _Eden’s Madness_ and _Noel Baptism_ plummet to the danger zone, with the warning signs flashing madly.

“They’re going to lose,” Lavi realises. “We need one more Jaeger out there.”

“We’re suiting up,” Lenalee announces firmly, grabbing Allen’s hands.

Tears shine in her determined eyes.

“No,” Komui says, pained. “Unless the category five is taken out, it’s a death wish. _Dark Clown_ runs on digital, like _Blood Record_. There is no other Jaeger. We have to believe that they can do this.”

“But we have to do _something_! We can’t just stand here and—and—”

_And watch them die_ , Lavi finishes mentally.

“I’ll go,” Kanda suddenly speaks, the first word he’s said since he’s entered. “ _Innocence Illusion_ is powered by the nuclear core. I won’t be affected.”

Komui looks at him in surprise, gaze flicking to Lavi. “But—“

Kanda turns on his heel, decision made. “I can pilot her by myself. I’ve done it before.”

“Kanda, no,” Komui calls firmly. “Back then you didn’t have a choice. The neural overload will kill you this time.”

“That’s just a secondary effect.”

“Kanda!”

Lavi grabs Kanda by the arm before the pilot can shove the door open. “I’m going with him,” he announces. “Let’s try it again.”

Bookman steps in, frowning. “Boy—“

“We can do this,” Lavi insists. “I know we—I screwed up. It won’t happen again. We can’t lose another Jaeger. You need to let us,” he pleads. “Either we die, or the world dies. I’m making the right choice.”

* * *

Lavi steels himself when Reever’s voice comes through the speaker.

“We’re short on time but we’ll go slow. Initiating drift sequence phase one. In one, two, three—“

Lavi closes his eyes just as he feels the pull of the drift again. He feels his face flame with embarrassment as he knows that Kanda will know all about the times he’s jerked himself off moaning Kanda’s name in desperation—especially that one time on the man’s own bed, but he doesn’t cling to it—he’s more scared of getting stuck in the drift again.

The first point of linkage with Kanda’s mind wants to make him crumple in relief—it’s something he’s been desperately searching for weeks, and this is it. He relaxes, opening his memories and feelings up wider for the drift to deepen, letting Kanda’s mind move into his.

_Kanda lies back flat on the bed, hand disappearing down his pants. He’s stroking himself, the other hand over his head, gripping the bar of the bed frame. His hips jerk in motion, eyes closed in tight pleasure as he works himself off to release. His motions come to an end as he tenses and gasps wordlessly. His mouth moves to utter a word, and there’s barely any sound._

_“…_ — _avi.”_

Lavi stares blankly in the drift, eye wide in shock. He knows what it is _._

It’s _his_ name.

“Phase two stable. Initiating neural handshake, in five, four, three, two, one—“

Lavi braces himself for the process, but there’s no way to prepare for it. It’s on a totally different level on phase two drifting. Instead of falling he feels suspended in time. It’s like everything is within reach, all of a sudden. It feels clear. It feels like he knows who he is, for the first time in his life. It also feels like Kanda is with him. In him.

He feels like he can _feel_ Kanda like he _is_ Kanda.

“Yuu,” he thinks.

“What,” the man replies mentally, and Lavi can feel the annoyance, and it’s crazy, but he wants to laugh because it’s feels so _right_.

“You _are_ crazy, usagi,” Kanda snorts.

When they both open their eyes they’re greeted by the thrashing waves of the ocean.

“Ninety seconds to contact,” Johnny reads out to them. “The category five is heading towards the city. _Noel Baptism and Eden’s Madness_ are engaging the other two _akumas_ in battle. Provide assistance to _Eden’s Madness_ —their stats are hitting critical. Buy them enough time to evacuate.”

“Usagi.”

Lavi jumps, because it’s fucking strange to have words spoken in your mind.

“We’re going to kill them. All of them.”

There’s a harsh promise of vengeance behind it, but it also speaks of assurance. They aren’t going in to fight. They are going in to _win_.

It doesn’t matter if it’s Lavi’s first time as an actual pilot. Kanda knows what to do, and it’s enough for both of them.

“Ready,” Kanda counts when they spot _Noel Baptism_ and _Eden’s Madness_ in view.

It’s a ruthless picture, of _Noel Baptism_ lunging with the whole weight of their Jaeger, and the _akuma_ , with its deadly claws digging into the metal robot. _Eden’s Madness_ is on her knees, the _akuma_ ripping a piece that Lavi knows is vital to the Jaeger.

Lavi feels a burn of anger of doesn’t stem from him and his arms raise in a position for attack. He doesn’t need to look at Kanda but he knows both of them are moving in synchrony—maybe because it’s Kanda controlling their movements, or maybe its him, he can’t tell.

Their left foot moves forward. And then their right.

Left. Right.

Left, right, left, right—until they are charging towards the _akuma._

With a deadly punch, _Innocence Illusion_ forces the _akuma_ to let go of _Eden’s Madness_. Lavi steels himself for the resulting impact, and it isn’t pretty. The _akuma_ is terrifying—it swipes at them, teeth bared and roaring, large reptilian like eye penetrating into their gazes. They hit the ocean when the akuma lunges at them hard, but _Innocence Illusion_ is fast on her feet, thanks to both of their reflexes.

_Eden’s Madness_ struggles to get up.

“Old man, get the fuck out of there,” Kanda grits out, and Lavi immediately knows it’s directed to Tiedoll.

Froi Tiedoll because the older man had been Kanda’s guardian for a short while, and no matter how little interaction Lavi has seen occurring between them both over the past month, he knows that Kanda _cares_.

There is no response, which indicates that _Eden’s Madness_ communications are down. The _akuma_ seems recognize that the Jaeger is a weakness and aims back for it.

“On guard,” Kanda commands, focused.

They steady themselves, fists in place. Again they tackle, pulling the _akuma_ off its feet, blocking blows and dodging swipes.

Category fours are strong. The first akuma that ascended was a category one and over the years, larger and more horrifying aliens started to appear. The Jaegers were already at the forefront of technology when they were first built. It was difficult to push for stronger when it was already the strongest they’ve got.

_Innocence Illusion_ staggers under the brute force of the monster, and braces itself for impact when they are thrown. When they get up, the _akuma_ is on top of _Eden’s_ _Madness_ and a second later, the Jaeger breaks apart. Lavi stares wide eyed at the crumbling metal, its conn-pad falling to pieces in the _akuma’s_ hand.

Winters Sokaro and Froi Tiedoll, dead.

A surge of fury burns through his mind and his hands start to tremble.

“Yuu,” Lavi thinks, and he tries to calm the other down. “I know,” he murmurs. “I know.”

The surge lessens to a less intense blaze. Kanda is tired of this, Lavi knows. Tired of losing the few people he ever cared about.

Their minds steel with a kind of determination Lavi has never felt before. They don’t even project their thoughts into their headspace but they move in synchrony, right with right, left with left. The _akuma_ faces them, cruel mouth twisted with a semblance of a smirk.

_Innocence Illusion_ elongates her swords from the fists of the Jaeger.

“I’ve never fought with two swords,” Lavi thinks, but he doesn’t feel like he needs to worry.

“I have,” Kanda replies, and both of them move, getting into battle position.

Lavi is tactics and Kanda is instinct. Kanda doesn’t think. Lavi thinks for him. Together they move like fluid, parrying the merciless blow from the _akuma,_ wielding both swords with speed. Lavi has never moved like this before—sure, skilled, dangerous—he thinks this is exactly how Kanda is on the mat, strong and beautiful.

The sword on the right fist catches into the _akuma’s_ left shoulder and Kanda grits his teeth, pushing it in further as hard as he can, relishing the roar of pain. He trembles with so much bloodlust he nearly loses himself into it, dragging the sword down to slice the _akuma_ apart, but Lavi keeps him grounded, holds him in his mind to focus on the mission.

They don’t stop to mourn when the category four is dead. _Noel_ _Baptism_ is on her feet pounding the other category four, so they turn towards land, heading straight for the category five.

Lavi and Kanda are one, moving as one with _Innocence Illusion_.

The Jaeger glows brightly under the moonlight, metal surface splattering with black blood as they bring the last alien to its knees. It’s a category five which means it pushes them to their limit but they didn’t suit up to die.

Both of their eyes are wide with adrenaline when their swords slice straight down, following the curve of the _akuma’s_ spine to the end of its tail, cutting a clean path through it.

They suited up to win.

* * *

The first thing that Lavi does when he rips off his helmet, is to kiss Kanda.

That in hindsight, isn’t the best course of action.

For a few seconds everything is perfect. Kanda’s mouth parts for him, allowing him to slide his tongue inside. He remembers the first time Kanda kissed him in the drift—hard and demanding in an effort to ground him, and he wants that again and _more_. He wants to taste Kanda forever.

But Kanda tears away, hand on Lavi’s chest. He looks shocked like he didn’t expect it, even though Lavi knows that Kanda knows how much he wants him. The drift has made everything clear between them. He knows Kanda wants him too.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Kanda growls, wiping his lips with the back of his hand.

“I—“ Lavi falters. “You want me,” he says finally, because he doesn’t know what to say.

“I do not.”

“I know you do,” he insists, confused. “I _know_.”

“You are not Alma,” Kanda snaps back. “Stop deluding yourself! You didn’t even know who you were until our first drift!”

“I’m not!” Lavi shouts. He doesn’t know why this is happening, especially after they’ve drifted together successfully. “I know who I am and _I_ love you!”

Kanda freezes, but he makes his mouth move. “You don’t. You’ve _never_ known love,” he spits, voice cutting. “You don’t know what it’s like.”

“I—“ Lavi falters when Kanda glares at him one last time before storming out. “Listen to me! Yuu! Don’t—Yuu!”

“Don’t _ever_ call me that!” Kanda snarls, and the retreating figure disappears.

* * *

Lavi moans Kanda’s name desperately, eye screwed shut as the muscles of his back strain to arch in never ending pleasure. He breathes in uncoordinated heavy pants, mouth open and head tilted to the ceiling. He thinks he’s going to die with how everything _burns_ —his fingers that are gripping the bedsheets tight, wrists held down by Kanda, unforgiving, Kanda’s mouth on his neck, licking and sucking marks.

“Yuu— _hah_ , Yuu—“

“Lavi,” Kanda murmurs. “Lavi. Lavi. Lavi,” he whispers, planting hot kisses along Lavi’s neck.

He thinks he can hear how every sound of his name is uttered with reverence, like how Kanda is in awe of how _complete_ Lavi feels now.

The hot mouth trails further down to his chest, slick tongue tracking lazy circles until it reaches his right nipple. It’s already stiff from how aroused he is, but it doesn’t stop Kanda from taking it into his mouth and sucking on it. Lavi doesn’t think that the heat in his pants can intensify any further but it does, and he groans louder, voice echoing in the room.

He wants to touch Kanda so badly but the pilot digs his hands tight on his wrists, ensuring that he’s spread out for Kanda to do anything he wants.

“Yuu—I can’t—I can’t, please—“ his whimpers tear from his lips, and when he squeeze his eye shut to take in a gasping breath, a tear leaks out. “I’m going to…—ah—hah—“

He hasn’t even been touched but he feels right on the edge already. Kanda stops just as he’s going to tip over, causing him to fall back on the bed with his chest heaving and head lolling.

“Not yet,” Kanda mutters against his skin, now resuming a slow and frustrating pace down his navel to his hip.

Kanda releases his grip on Lavi’s wrists so that he can pull the redhead’s pants and boxers down with one motion when his mouth reaches the hipbone, exposing his leaking manhood. Lavi flushes brilliantly, but doesn’t get a word in when Kanda moves further down and kisses the inside of his thigh.

The position is embarrassing—Kanda hooks his legs over his shoulder, bringing his hips up into the air, but Lavi doesn’t get to think about it when Kanda swallows his cock whole without warning.

He doesn’t think he has seen anything more erotic in his life—Kanda’s mouth on him, eyes burning into his with a teasing lick over the head of his arousal. That’s all it takes for him to come _hard_ —he doesn’t manage to warn Kanda, only to ride the pleasure that sizzles down to his toes and causes him to arch his back off the bed in a shuddering gasp.

He doesn’t quite manage to utter Kanda’s name from how he trembles so violently, but that’s all that repeats in his mind as he sees nothing but whiteness.

_Yuu. Yuu. Yuu._

“—ngh…—oh god, _Yuu_ —!“

Lavi snaps his eye open as his body jolts upright from the dream, voice resounding in his room. He tries to take in slow breaths but his mind is so disorientated that he only thing he sees is Kanda between his legs. The visual causes him to realise that he’s achingly hard to the point that just hearing Kanda’s _voice_ would push him over, and his fingers are cramped from how hard they dig into the bedsheets.

Then he remembers how Kanda murmured his name like a lifeline, over and over.

He doesn’t even care if the entire corridor can hear him moaning Kanda’s name as he comes from just his imagination.

He lies back down staring at the ceiling after the orgasmic high, humiliation seeping in. Fuck, he never knew he was ever this needy, but he wants Kanda. He wants Kanda is every way possible. He wants Kanda to acknowledge that he knows him as well as he does to the other. He wants Kanda to breathe with him, knowing that they’ve got this, _together_. He wants Kanda to hold him in their private spaces like he’s the only one that matters because Kanda is now the one that matters most to him.

He wants Kanda to shove him up _anywhere_ and have his way with him. He wants Kanda to fuck him hard, until he’s begging with his voice hoarse to come. He wants Kanda beneath him, that beautiful body stretched out just for him, face flushed with intense pleasure when _he_ makes Kanda come.

The thought that Kanda pushes him away is like a stake through the heart. He _needs_ Kanda, the only person that could ever make him whole.

He turns his head to stare at his door, where the said person lies just fifteen meters away.

If anyone had ever tried to explain what misery is, this is the definition of it.


	6. Chapter 6

Allen finds him after three days. “Lavi—! Hey, wait up!”

The redhead has been avoiding everyone ever since Kanda left him alone in the conn-pad. He needed to be alone to nurse the hurt caused by _his_ co-pilot—and god, the thought of Kanda rejecting him is just humiliation and pain to the highest degree. Maybe the rest understand, because they don’t force interaction with him when he appears in the café to bring food back up to his room. He doesn’t even know why he bothers, considering he has no appetite. Maybe it’s because the more he stays cooped up in his room, the longer he stares at his door wishing that Kanda will be on the other side of it.

“Lavi!” Allen catches him by the arm, looking concerned. “I know you want to be alone but this isn’t the way to deal with it.”

Lavi looks away, ashamed. He tugs his arm back and walks at a slower pace down the corridor. “I’m fine.”

“You haven’t taken a look at yourself, have you?” Allen peers at him.

He isn’t wearing his usual bandana anymore, nor has he bothered to adjust his eye-patch that’s slipping slightly out of place. His clothes are wrinkled and crumpled, and his hair is in disarray. There is no smile adorning his normally cheerful face.

“I’ll be fine,” Lavi manages a weak smile. “I just...” he takes a deep breath. “I miss them. Krory and Miranda.”

Allen looks at the ceiling and sighs. “Me too.”

“And Yuu,” Lavi murmurs, voice cracking. He stops in his tracks, defeated as he leans against the wall of the corridor. “A-allen,” he begins again, squeezing his fists tight. “Please help me. Please.”

Allen hovers worriedly, unsure whether to touch the redhead.

“I…I miss him. I miss him so much,” Lavi confesses, voice tight with desperation.

He sinks to the floor and curls up, uncaring of how pathetic he looks, because he feels much worse.

“Lavi,” Allen panics, quickly squatting and petting his back in slow moving circle. “Lavi, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

“I’m going crazy,” Lavi utters, lips trembling. “I can’t deal with this alone anymore. I…I-I can’t. I _can’t_ ,” he murmurs. “I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I don’t know what to do anymore,” he begs, pressing his fist over his chest where it hurts like a bullet through his heart. “Please help me. Please.”

“You need Kanda,” Allen twists his lips into a grimace, hands still trying to comfort him. “Only he can help you.”

“He won’t help me,” Lavi shakes his head, miserable. “He doesn’t want me,” It hurts even more to say it out loud.  “But I _know_ he does. In the drift—I saw, I saw everything,” he continues, hushed but frantic. “We _fit_ together, Allen. I’ve never felt like this about anyone in my life, I-I—…I need him. He needs me. I can help him, I know I can. But he doesn’t want it. How does that even _work_?” he cries, frustrated.

“…I never should have drifted with him,” he says finally, voice hoarse, palm furiously wiping his good eye as his vision blurs with tears.

Allen swallows, but all he can do is to tell the redhead, “It’s okay, Lavi. It’ll be okay.”

* * *

“Kanda,” Allen raps on Kanda’s door incessantly. “Kanda, open up. I know you’re in there. You haven’t left your room in three days. Kanda!” he calls again. “Open up, or I’ll get Komui to open your door with the master key.”

He continues knocking because he knows that the sound will eventually irritate the pilot enough to at least tell him to go away, or he would just go find Komui. Sure enough after ten minutes—Allen curses how stubborn and stupid his friend can be, wincing at how sore his knuckles are, the door swings violently open.

“What do you want, moyashi,” Kanda snarls, hand gripping the door tight.

Allen notices how on edge Kanda is, hair spilling over his shoulder in a low ponytail. The pilots’ eyes are sharp with agitation. Allen glares, grabbing Lavi who is sitting miserably while waiting by the collar.

“Take him,” he pushes Lavi right into Kanda, causing both of them to stumble backwards.

“Fuck—“

“You made him your co-pilot which means _you_ are responsible for him,” Allen hisses. “You know how bad ghost drifting is for first time pilots. Don’t be a fucking dick, Kanda,” he ploughs on when he sees that Kanda wants to retort. “I don’t care if you have some issues with yourself to work over but Lavi is _suffering_ because of you. You saw how bad it was for him with just the drift. It was his first _neural_ _handshake_ ,” he emphasises. “You had Alma to help you through yours. He only has you now. You know how he’s feeling. Help him or else,” he states, levelling a last look. “I suspect you need to help yourself too.”

Allen slams the door shut behind him when he leaves.

Kanda stares at it for a few moments before switching his gaze to Lavi, who stands a few paces away with his head bowed.

“Usagi.”

“Don’t throw me out. Please don’t throw me out,” Lavi whispers, clenching his fists tight.

He can feel Kanda’s presence radiating from this distance and he doesn’t know how long his self control will last. He lets his eyes rake over the pilot, drinking in as greedily as he can at the sight of Kanda in front of him, _real_ , for once. Kanda is _beautiful_ and Lavi’s fingers jerk, mouth turning dry.

Kanda watches the redhead gaze at him with his pupil dilated so large that Kanda can’t really pick out the normal emerald green.

“Take off your shirt,” he says finally.

“Wha—?”

“Take off your shirt,” he repeats, impatient.

Kanda pulls off his own, and he knows Lavi is watching every movement he makes with barely concealed restraint. Lavi hurries to follow Kanda’s example even though he doesn’t know why. When his shirt is in his hands he finds Kanda right in front of him barging into his personal space.

Instead of jumping the man, he panics and his shirt drops to the floor—he can’t help but stare at Kanda’s mouth, breath passing over his own. He can touch Kanda if he wants to, but he’s afraid it’s another dream. He doesn’t want to wake up and realise it’s not real. He doesn’t think he can take it.

“Usagi,” Kanda mutters, bringing a palm to his cheek.

Lavi trembles when Kanda touches him, slowly, fingers ghosting over his jawline and then around his neck. With an annoyed sigh, Kanda embraces him.

It’s a shock, because it’s a stark contrast to how the pilot has been treating him since they’ve met not counting the time they shared a bed. This is the side of Kanda Lavi only ever sees in the drift. Lavi moans quietly, sinking into it, resting his own hands around Kanda’s hips.

Kanda’s bare skin feels like _home_. This is so much better than the dreams he has. Kanda smells a million times more addictive and he unconsciously buries his nose into the other’s neck, breathing in deeply with his eye closed. Kanda holds him for a long time, unmoving, until Lavi stirs with his head clearer than it has been since they piloted the Jaeger. He turns his head on Kanda’s shoulder, unwilling to give up any sort of space between him, and watches Kanda staring ahead with an unreadable expression.

When Kanda notices that Lavi is staring, he immediately moves to drop the embrace, but Lavi pulls him close before the pilot can step back. He is so close to Kanda’s mouth now, and doesn’t stop himself from leaning forward to claim it.

The pilot lets him brush their lips together, but he refuses to open his mouth to deepen it any further.

“Lavi,” Kanda warns, tone dangerous when Lavi pushes Kanda against the wall in an effort to kiss him harder.

Lavi curls his fingers against Kanda’s waist. “I saw you,” he begins, voice hoarse. “You said my name,” he meets Kanda’s eyes pleadingly.

“Mistake.”

“It wasn’t,” Lavi snaps. “Fuck—Yuu, I know it wasn’t,” he says in a hushed tone. “I was in the drift with you for hours. I know you.”

“You think you know me,” Kanda states harshly. “Stop thinking that you do.”

Lavi doesn’t understand. Something happened right after they disconnected and he doesn’t get what Kanda is thinking.

“I know you,” he repeats, cupping Kanda’s face into his palms. “I love you,” he whispers, reverent. “Let me love you, Yuu.”

Kanda stands, stone still, and Lavi takes the chance to kiss him again, to _show_ him. He manages to slip his tongue into the other’s mouth, coaxing Kanda to kiss him back. He can love Kanda as much as Alma did. He can fill the hole that exists in Kanda. He can help him, but only if Kanda lets him. He presses Kanda harder and harder against the wall with every shaking desire to kiss him deeper, until Kanda makes a sound from the back of his throat and starts fighting for dominance.

Kanda is a warrior, and it shows by how intense Kanda kisses. Lavi feels like his _soul_ is being dominated. Their tongues and teeth clash heatedly, Kanda starts to push them backwards until the back of Lavi’s knees hit the bed and he tumbles back down, grabbing Kanda to ensure that they don’t break apart.

He touches Kanda _everywhere_ —he wants to soak in as such as he can of Kanda above him. He gasps for air when Kanda breaks the kiss and latches his mouth to Lavi’s throat, and _bites_.

The feeling sears into his skin, and he remembers all the dreams of Kanda on top of him, working his way slowly, taking him apart piece by piece until he’s shaking and begging and he immediately groans at how hard he becomes. It seems like Kanda notices because he reaches a hand down to cup Lavi’s erection through his pants and his hips arches off the bed.

“You jerked off on my bed,” Kanda growls out, increasing the pressure.

Lavi flushes with humiliation, but it makes him even harder. “Sorry, I couldn’t help it, I—“ then he stops. “You knew before the drift,” he says, eye wide.

Kanda stares at him. “I smelt it.”

If possible, Lavi blushes even deeper. He had high tailed out of the room after he realised he what he had done, forgetting about the fact that he probably stained the sheets. He opens his mouth to apologise again, but then he sees Kanda burning his gaze upon him—the look is exactly the same as the dreams where Kanda keeps him on the edge and refuses to make him come no matter what he begs, like a punishment.

“You made me come twice,” Kanda whispers into his ear, voice low and erotic, ending the sentence with a slow run of his upper lip along Lavi’s ear. “You will pay for it.”

Lavi shudders at the sinful promise, adam’s apple bobbing with nervousness. Kanda grabs his wrists and pulls it up above his head, pinning it down forcefully. The redhead’s eye widens but he doesn’t struggle. Unconsciously his legs spread out wider when the other shoves a leg in between and leans further forward. He bucks his hips forward when Kanda presses against his erection.

The pilot watches his reaction intently, measured and calculating.

“In your dreams,” he starts eventually. “You like it when I don’t let you come.”

“No—no,” Lavi protests. “I want to! I want—“ he breaks off with a moan when Kanda presses against his bulge harder.

“Let’s test that. Even when you beg for it,” Kanda smirks, speaking right into his ear. “I won’t let you come.”

Lavi seizes up in fear but the other half of him is ready to come just like that with Kanda’s voice. In his dreams he feels like he loses himself completely to Kanda when it happens—he isn’t sure how it’d be like in real life.

Kanda doesn’t bother with going slow. He anchors Lavi down by the wrists so tightly that Lavi knows there will be bruises tomorrow. Kanda reaches straight for his erection and wraps a hand around it, collecting the pre-come leaking with his thumb. The whimper that tears from Lavi’s throat is just the first of many that is to follow.

The hand pumps him in a frustratingly slow pace. Lavi feels that his cock is throbbing with the amount of blood rushed to it, and he impatiently tries to buck his hips to feel more of that delicious friction but Kanda pins his thighs down with his weight.

Kanda doesn’t kiss him. The pilot just watches as his moans get increasingly more desperate.

“Yuu—faster, _please_ —ah…hahh…oh god, please—“

But Kanda doesn’t heed to his pleading. The hand still goes at its leisurely pace. Lavi’s arms start to tremble as a slow tight coil begins inside of him. He bares his neck in a show of submission, breaths getting heavier.

“I need more,” he begs. “Please. Yuu—ngh—please—“

The movement does speed up this time, and Lavi almost regrets it because it brings up further up to the edge but it’s not enough to tip him over. He knows how incredibly shameless he looks like, panting and moaning with his hands restricted all under Kanda’s scrutiny, but that’s a small issue compared to how much his cock is leaking. His back muscles are strained so tightly he’s sure he’s going to snap anytime soon.

His hoarse voice starts to edge into desperation. “— _hah_ —let me come—please, Yuu—let me—“

“Why should I?” Kanda asks, deliberately slowing the pace again, and then he stops cruelly at the base where he tightens his hold. “Convince me.”

“I _need_ you to—I-I…please…anything,” he gasps out, trying to shove his hips up to no avail. “Anything you want.”

Lavi locks his gaze with Kanda, face flushed with humiliation but body splayed out like an offering. He doesn’t care what else Kanda wants to do with him. He just wants to come. His thighs tremble violently when Kanda move his hand up just by one inch, and tears slide down the side of his face when he realises Kanda isn’t done teasing him. The pilot is making good on his word with what he promised.

“You don’t come until I do,” Kanda breathes darkly, releasing the hold around his cock. “Or I’ll keep you begging for an hour.”

Lavi bites his lip hard in the effort to obey the order. It takes all of him to keep it in, especially when he sees Kanda move his hand to touch himself. This time, Lavi sees how Kanda’s eyelids flutter close in pleasure, how his mouth parts to let out a hot pull of breath. He doesn’t know whether to watch Kanda’s expression or the way that his hand works expertly over himself, and Kanda has to be hard enough before he started because it ends quickly.

Kanda has his head pressed against the bed next to Lavi’s when he tenses up open mouthed, groaning a syllable that Lavi has heard before in the drift.

The knowledge that it’s _his_ name that Kanda breathes out that pushes him over.

When he finally collapses back on the bed, Kanda collapses likewise on him. Together the sound of their heavy breathing is all that fills the room, as well as the smell of what they had just done. Lavi lies dazed. He hasn’t felt this _right_ in his life ever.

“Yuu?” he murmurs, running a hand into the raven hair.

“Shut up,” Kanda mutters back. “I’m tired.”

The backlash of adrenaline hits them both hard, and Lavi only registers him pulling Kanda closer by the waist before he blacks out.

* * *

When Lavi wakes up hours later, Kanda isn’t there. He stretches his arms out and feels the surface of the bed, burying his head back onto the pillow to smell Kanda’s scent. He is disappointed, of course he is, but he knows Kanda has a routine of going to practice on the mat at six every morning. The clock on the bedside table reads past nine.

He already feels a morning wood situation occurring but he shakes himself out of it because he doesn’t want Kanda to see him jerking off on his bed again when they drift. Instead he lets himself survey Kanda’s room—bare with just the necessities, and lies for a few more indulgent minutes before he drags himself back across his own room to bathe.

When he stands outside his door an hour later, his first thought is to find Kanda.

It’s ridiculous how dependent he is on Kanda when he realises it, but as Allen has said, he isn’t his own person anymore. It will forever feel like a piece of himself is missing when he’s not drifting with Kanda, but the ache has lessened after the extended contact last night, so it just throbs dull and bearable.

He lets his own feet move, knowing for some reason that they’ll take him to where Kanda is. But the closer that he finds himself getting to the local command centre, the icier his stomach plunges. He sees Kanda, Allen, Lenalee and Komui standing in a circle outside the glass door when he rounds the last corridor, but Komui’s voice makes him halt in his tracks and retreat backward, hiding behind the wall.

“Lavi’s predicted that the next wave is in just a week. We lost two Jaegers in the last battle. The next one will be the final one. We need you and Lavi to do some practice runs.”

“What for?” Kanda asks, sounding defensive. “We took both fucking _akumas_ down. We’re fine.”

“Even so, we just want to ensure your synchro rate stays stable. There’s no harm in it.”

“No,” Kanda refuses.

“Kanda…” Lenalee frowns when Komui looks to her with a resigned sigh. “What’s wrong? Don’t you want to get into the drift with Lavi at the very least?”

“I am not going into the drift with him until I have to.”

Lavi feels a stab of hurt at how harsh Kanda growls the statement out. More than anything Lavi wants to drift with him again. It’s a process that makes them complete. It signifies and strengthens. Total trust, total commitment.

“Kanda, don’t be ridiculous,” Allen frowns. “He’s your _co-pilot_.”

“My co-pilot is _dead_ ,” Kanda snaps, and everyone falls silent. “I don’t need another.”

_I don’t need another dead one_ , he means, and Allen sees through that perfectly.

“You’re—you dense prick,” the white haired boy grits his teeth in frustration. “If you need Lavi now, it’s not a bad thing. He can help you.”

“He can’t help me.”

“He can!” Allen retorts. “Why are you so stubborn? You just have to let him in!”

“He can’t!” Kanda yells, losing his temper. “You won’t understand because you will _never_ understand,” he snarls. “You don’t know how it’s like to have your partner _ripped_ out from you while you’re still connected. When you have Lenalee _screaming_ for you to save her with her blood on your hands and you can do _nothing_ but watch,” he snaps back harshly. “As she’s _crushed_ in front of you, then, _then_ you talk to me about this.”

Lenalee is holding Allen’s hand tightly from that display of emotion, face pressed against her co-pilot’s shoulder as Allen rubs her back comfortingly. All of them look stricken, and they have nothing to say in response because Kanda is right, not one of them will know how much Alma’s death affected him.

Not one of them, except Lavi.

“I understand,” Lavi says when he steps out towards them, breaking the tension. “I was there. I mean, in the drift.”

Immediately everyone’s eyes flicker to the large bruise on his neck courtesy of Kanda, but he ignores that.

“You tried to kill yourself three times,” he continues, stepping close to Kanda. “A week after Alma was taken away, by a bullet to your mouth. Then, two months later, with a bullet to your head. And then, six months afterward, you tried to hang yourself,” he states. “But someone found you in time.”

Kanda looks away at the words, jaw clenched.

“You think God doesn’t want to let you die before you do what you have to do,” Lavi says, now within reaching distance of him. “That’s why you came back. You planned to try again after it’s all over,” as he speaks, the puzzle falls into place.

It starts to add up. Why Kanda is so cruel to him, rejects him, denies him. Tells him what he feels is a delusion, it’s not real, it’s because of Alma. It’s because the pilot doesn’t want him to be attached.

“You just didn’t expect me,” he murmurs.

“You’re wrong,” Kanda denies, and Lavi knows he’s lying. “Yesterday was a mistake. I don’t need you.”

Lavi ignores it. “Stay with me, Yuu,” he says instead. “Alma wouldn’t have wanted this.”

Kanda glares back at him. “You don’t know _anything_ —“

“I do,” Lavi speaks hushed over him. “You know I do.”

They stand a hand width apart, alone. The rest probably edged away to give them some semblance of privacy, though the fact that they’re standing right in front of the local command centre where the technical division can see them isn’t much.

Lavi reaches to touch Kanda but the pilot turns and walks away before the contact.

“Yuu—“

“Stupid rabbit,” Kanda mutters, but his pace is slow enough for Lavi to walk beside him. “If you die, I’ll follow.”

Kanda is too ready for death, Lavi thinks, and he grabs the other to stop him in his tracks. Before Kanda can say anything, he kisses the man right in the corridor, uncaring of who walks past.

“I won’t let you,” he whispers against Kanda’s lips, kissing him again. “I won’t.”

* * *

“You always wanted to go back to Japan,” Lavi says when they’re suited up a week later, ready to face four _akumas_ this time.

It doesn’t matter if they’re all category fives. It doesn’t matter if this is the last battle. It doesn’t matter if the plan is ridiculously complicated and their chance of success is just hope.

“Let’s go. And to France too, to see Tiedoll’s family. After it’s over,” he looks over to his beautiful co-pilot. “Anywhere you want.”

Kanda pauses, and stares at the helmet in his hands for a moment. “Los Angeles. For your family.”

He fixes on his helmet because he doesn’t want to see Lavi beaming at him like he’s the sun coming down to earth. It makes his heart flutter in stupid ways, like how Alma’s cheesy grin did the same. He takes a deep breath, readying himself as the relay gel clears.

“You miss him,” Lavi states from beside him.

It's just a simple fact that Lavi feels like he has to say.

“I see him in the drift,” Kanda replies.

“Let’s visit him then,” Lavi smiles, lying back. “Together.”

“Initiating the drift,” Reever says over them. “Three. Two. One.”

Kanda closes his eyes and lets the drift takes him. It’s going to be a long and hard battle, but Lavi is with him.

For the first time he doesn’t want to die.

He wants to live.

* * *

When they open their eyes, Alma laughs.

_Let’s take those bitches down._

_No problem._


	7. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (or rather it’s just victory smut)

“Don’t fucking—ngh—tease—“ Kanda grits out, frustrated. “Fuck—Lavi, fuck—“

Lavi chuckles, lowering his lips to place a light kiss on Kanda’s neck, and then peppering his way down the smooth skin as he rips Kanda’s shirt apart, buttons flying, to the collarbone, to his chest, to his nipple, where he manages to squeeze out a shuddering gasp from the pilot below him.

He’s got Kanda’s hands restrained together with his bandana which allows him absolute control over what he can do with Kanda’s body. He understands why Kanda likes to keep him begging because the sound of desperation is _addictive_ —he loves how much power he has over the other just as much as he likes to let Kanda have it.

They had just saved the world, or rather, Lenalee and Allen did, they were just backup—such an anticlimactic statement now that he thinks about it—where both he and Kanda passed out in exhaustion the moment they get out of the Jaeger back at the base.

Someone does them a favour by putting them both together in Kanda’s bed to sleep, because the first thing that Lavi wakes up is to panic that Kanda isn’t alive with him. But his co-pilot had been breathing peacefully, arm wrapped around his waist. He doesn’t think he’s ever going to see anyone so beautiful or anyone who can trip his heart like Kanda does.

He wants to _burn_ that sentiment into Kanda, so he waits until the other wakes up before he pounces.

Lavi returns back to Kanda’s neck to suck a love bite in return for that bruise on his own, drinking in the curses for him to stop teasing. Daringly too, especially when Kanda never listens to him when _he_ begs.

“What do you want me to do?” he hums in Kanda’s ear, licking the shell of it sensually. “I can blow you, if you want. Or I can fuck you, slow and hard. Which one do you think will make you scream louder?”

“Fuck you, I don’t— _ah_ —“ the retort is cut off when Lavi reaches into the other’s pants and pulls his erection out, fingers running over the length.

Kanda struggles at the uncomfortable position, so Lavi helps him by pulling the rest off his legs. Kanda is flushed from neck down, body glinting with a tension that marks him more aroused than he lets on.

“Beautiful,” Lavi murmurs, crawling back up to kiss Kanda on the mouth. “You’re so beautiful.”

Their tongue dance lazily together, and Lavi loses himself into the taste of Kanda, moaning contentedly. He only realises that he’s still fully clothed when Kanda bites him on the lip in impatience. Slowly he takes them off like a strip show, baring his abdomen first before pulling the whole shirt over, and then sliding his pants down to reveal the bulge against his boxers. Kanda watches him hungrily when he takes the last of it off, tossing it aside.

Instead of returning to please his bed partner, Lavi starts to rummage at the bed side table, pulling out the drawer to search for something.

“What are you doing?” Kanda demands.

“Where do you put the lube?” Lavi asks, frowning. “Or lotion? Or something—“

Kanda rolls his eyes at the mood killer. “Untie me. I’ll get it.”

Lavi is smirking when he turns around to glance at him. “Nice try, Yuu. Now which is it? Or I’ll fuck you with just how wet you are.”

Kanda growls at the humiliating insinuation, but he scowls reluctantly. “Blue bottle.”

The red head takes the correct one and joins Kanda back on the bed. It doesn’t take long for him to coat his fingers, which he then prods at Kanda’s entrance. Kanda glares at him throughout but it doesn’t lessen Lavi’s resolve. Once the first finger pushes through, Kanda’s back start to arch in display.

“Deeper,” Kanda breathes out demandingly, eyes screwed shut. “Faster.”

Lavi obliges, pushing it as further as he can go, but still careful not to cause unnecessary pain. When it seems that Kanda is getting used to the intrusion, he pushes a second finger in. Slowly he tries to curl his fingers at all angles to find the spot that will make Kanda scream—after five tries he does, and the result is fantastic.

He doesn’t think Kanda has ever gasped his name this loudly and he wants to hear it more, so he starts thrusting his fingers. The more he sees Kanda shaking in hot searing pleasure the more he wants to be _in_ Kanda to feel it. He pulls his fingers out and quickly lubes his hard cock up, even if it’s already wet and slippery with his own pre-come. He aligns himself with Kanda’s entrance and pushes in without warning—even so, Kanda does manage to see the process well enough.

Lavi pants, trying to breathe as he feels how _tight_ Kanda is around him. He groans as he pushes himself fully in, struggling not to come immediately. Kanda spreads his legs wider to accommodate him, and after a while he jerks his hips.

“Move,” he grits out.

Lavi almost laughs at how bossy Kanda is even when he’s being fucked, but he concentrates on setting the pace as he thrusts in and out, slowly at first, then increasing the force and pace. He keeps his eye open to meet Kanda’s own gaze, and he kisses him mouth opened and slick—and this is what it feels like being separate but together, apart but complete.

When Kanda comes Lavi knows by the moan he catches with his mouth.

It’s always the knowledge that it’s his name that drags him along, head first.

He never wants to get back up.


End file.
